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Jun 2006 Issue
By Dave Ellis
This month my only sister, Ann, I believe, is turning thirty. Not so many years ago thirty sounded old. It still kind of does, only because I still act twelve and not in the good “He still has the spirit and awe of a child” way. More in the “He remembers comic book super hero powers better than family birthdays” way.
Back to my sister, I work best with positive feedback to my comedy. I know I can always get a free laugh from my sister, so she is a great audience. Although it wasn’t always that way…this may be hard to believe, but I used to tease the ever loving Pringles out of her. What kind of world do we live in when an older brother teases his younger sister? A normal one.
Here are my worst offenses (best gags):
1. ”My hands are made of metal and the roof of the car is a magnet.” When I was sixteen I would do this while driving her around. The object was to see how far I could drive with my ‘metal’ hands stuck to the ‘magnet’ roof. Don’t worry, it was safe, I used my knees to steer and would grab the wheel once she started to scream or I hit something.
2. Utilizing the built in sneeze-guard. This one also works in the car. If I had to sneeze I wouldn’t dare take my hands off the wheel because that’s dangerous (unless your hands are made of metal and the roof is a magnet, then you can’t help it). Instead, I would use the built in sneeze-guard, the inside of the car’s windshield. Due to the curve she would ‘accidentally’ get sprayed in the process. Gross, I know, but my sister’s safety was my utmost concern.
3. Calling out embarrassing product names in the grocery store. When we’d go to the store I would wander around asking her loudly if she needed the extra-strength-family-size-long-lasting deodorant this time because “you know what happened last time.” Also, I would ask the pharmacist how to get rid of stinky breath for a ‘close friend’ (while pointing at her).
4. Drive thru pranks. If we hit a drive through I’d ask for extra onions on her sandwich because she had a hot date that night. Then I’d jokingly tease the drive thru person to the point of guaranteeing they were going to do something awful to our food.
5. Kirk Cameron. That’s all I’ve got to say, just his name. She had a huge crush on him as a kid, or maybe we brothers said she did. Either way it was funny. We bought a poster of him and would place it in strategic areas around her bedroom, the door, ceiling, pillow etc. Then we’d walk into the room and say “Man Ann! You sure love Kirk Cameron!” To this day his name gets you a pretty good eye roll from her. Try it out.
For the record, I only tease the ones I love; ask my wife. On my sister’s birthday, I hope she knows that she is loved. I will be proving it with new gags for years to come.
