by Dave Ellis

Where are many types of people in the world. Distinctions are set by class, money, education, sports affiliation etc. I would like to point out another class separation; I call it the have-boats and the have-not-boats. I belong to the latter, and this is my story. (beep! Next slide please)

Every ward has at least three boat owners. These people are easy to spot, just go around Sunday and slap everyone on the back. Those that scream are Saturday boaters. Those that scream and sue are Saturday boater-attorneys. Stay away from them. Also, those that slap back are following the Law of Moses.

Boaters have their own way of life, they speak a different language – words like anchor, buoy and resuscitation fill their coded vocabulary. They are showy too; they make payments all year long on a vehicle they only use a dozen Saturdays out of a summer. At least it depreciates fast. And yes, I am jealous.

I’ve always wanted a boat. I just picture slicing across Lake Mead with the hot sun on my head and the wind blowing through the hair on my back, just enjoying life. I imagine speeding across the blue water while towing my kids behind the boat on a tube. Me using the cool water skiing hand gestures for faster, slower, surge and buttonhole. OK, I don’t know the right lingo so I threw in some sewing terms, but I’m excited! I really want a boat!

The other cool thing about owning a boat is that you are automatically a captain even without joining the military. No boot camp, no pomp and circumstance, no decoder ring. You are THE CAPTAIN. The only time I’ve even come close to captain in rank was when I was CORPORAL-ly punished for being a MAJOR pain. I guess you might call me CAPTAIN Obvious for pointing that out. I’ll stop with the bad puns, please forgive me.

The reality is I don’t have time or space for a boat. It would sit in my garage where there is hardly enough water to make it float and just take up space. My wife has mentioned renting a boat instead of buying, but then we really aren’t boat owners. So I’ve made a list of reasons why we need a boat.

Flooding in the Las Vegas Valley

…many scientific-based Hollywood movies show global warming could – along with a meteor and bad dialog – flood the Valley. A boat would be handy, nay, necessary for travel.

Sharks

…with the flooding of the Valley the Sharks would move in, unless the Jets kept them in check with cool dance moves and singing. Sorry, I said I would stop that.

Water Skiing

…without a boat I’m pretty sure you can’t water ski.

Captain Ellis

…I have to go back to this one, unless I join a sports team and rise through the ranks I’ll never be a captain. Owning a boat is the only way to gain the respect of a title through monthly payments.

Now all I have to do is run this list by my wife, cry a little and mortgage away all my future Christmas, birthday and anniversary presents for life and maybe, just maybe, she’ll look at boats at the dealership. Oh we won’t buy one, but the seed is planted and I am one step closer to cross-stitching my way across the lake.