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Jul 2006 Issue
by Steve Tracy, MA NAFP MFT
Question: I am sick and tired of living at home. I am 17 and hate being treated like a little kid by my parents. It is like they have no respect for me and how old I am. I want to move out but am not old enough to do it. Is there something I can do so they will recognize my maturity and independence or do I just have to suffer until I can leave?
Answer: When it seems like your individuality and independence are threatened, stress, frustration, and detachment are normal reactions. It is like pulling up the drawbridge to your castle. When you are behind your castle walls communication is limited and ineffective, relationships are strained, and your existence is very difficult. After all few people have their personal castles stocked and ready for a long siege. Life is not meant to be this way. Thus, it becomes important that you and others can traverse your moat, cross the bridge, and work with the castle.
This is the nature of true relationships, even during difficult times. Friends, family, teachers, advisors, and others who have a true intimacy (closeness) with you will be able to deal with difficult times and the relationship is not threatened. This requires everyone to have had good communications about sensitive and normal subjects as well as a vested interest shown in your dreams, desires, and goals.
Whether it has happened in the past or not, it sounds like it is not happening now. To get it started is going to be key to the recognition of your maturity and independence that you desire. Here are some suggestions to initiate it:
•Listen carefully when your parents talk and summarize
what they are saying so they know you understand (this
doesn’t mean agreement necessarily, you are letting
them know you have heard what they have been say-
ing)
•Ask them for an opportunity to say your opinions and
ideas (this reduces tension when you take a breath and
wait for them to say they are ready to listen)
•Compromise when an agreement can not be reached
(the goal is not to get what you desire at first (e.g. stay-
ing out an extra hour) rather it is to set up a relationship
that can traverse the decades ahead). It will require
some sacrifice but is well worth it.
•Keep your head – don’t get sucked into emotional reac-
tions and counter-reactions. Emotional arguing doesn’t
solve anything and just increases the tension and ulti-
matums.
•Demonstrate obsolescence – a parent’s job is to become
obsolete in your life. They should not have to do at 10
what they did for you at 2 years of age. Nor should they
do for you at 18 what they had to do for you at 10 years
old. Sometimes you can ask for this but it is generally
won by just doing it. Parents are usually very happy to
let go and not do things when you have shown mastery
of it.
•Speak softly when mentioning something negative.
Laugh out loud and speak happily when good things
happen.
This sounds like a lot of one sided behaviors. It is. By living The Golden Rule (do unto others as you would have them do unto you) the benefits that you seek will come. Oddly enough you will find maturity, independence, and confidence inside yourself first and then you may notice that your parents have it for you too.
Sadly, sometimes it doesn’t happen. If this is the case please recognize that it demonstrates a deficiency in them and not you. We can learn to love our parents even with their weaknesses (and vice versa) and we will be stronger for having done it. After all, living good principles always bears the best fruit.
Steve Tracy’s office can be reached at 702-258-2648, or reach him by email at therapy_business@msn.com.
