Payback

Aug 2006 Issue

by Dave Jackson

Maybe I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. I told Gail I wanted to write her column this month. She said yes, so here I am. Incidentally, this isn’t Gail writing, it’s Dave. But you probably figured it wasn’t Gail already.

The reason I wanted to write this month was because I hurt my back. Happily, not a long term, debilitating injury, but bad enough to lay me low for several days, and painful enough to give me empathy for those who suffer really serious damage to their backs. But the injury isn’t the real reason for this column; the purpose is to discuss relationships.

When we are young and think we are in love or are in the incipient stages of love we make great vows of fidelity and promises to be there for one another; to care for each other for better or for worse, never imagining what the worse might entail.

And when worse rears its nasty head we discover what our relationship is really like, how deep our love really is. Worse can appear in many guises, in our case health issues have been the greatest challenge.

I’m afraid what follows is going to appear as a see me/see us. The intent is to demonstrate what loving, committed couples do for one another when things get tough. A little history is in order here.

From time to time over the past twenty-five years Gail has suffered from some serious, unusual, even rare illnesses. At these times the family has stepped up. Her teenaged daughter assumed the role as cook, in addition to her usual responsibilities at school and work. The boys took over the chores of cleaning the house and maintaining the outside.
I acted as the boss, making sure that the kids did all of the work. Now and then I would help Gail put her socks on. It seems that Gail’s role in all of this was to feel guilty since she felt she was dumping her duties as wife and mother on the family. I can’t remember how often we had to say, “Sit down and let us do it,” as she would struggle to help us.

There was a period of time not too many years ago, after all of the kids had moved on, it appeared that Gail would not survive more than a couple of months. So once again she needed to share her household responsibilities. She took it upon herself to train me in the duties I would need to assume when she was gone. You know, the little things, like how to pay the bills and balance the checkbook.

Then she started looking for a new wife for me. Really! Happily, the doctors finally found the source of her problem, besides me, and they were able to bring the illness under control.

Which brings us back to my back problem. As Gail puts it, an opportunity for payback.
It became her chance to wait on me hand and foot. She helped me get up out of a chair she had helped me get down into just a few minutes before. She took over the jobs which would ordinarily be mine. And now and then she would help me put my socks on.

It is interesting to note how quickly the guilt does set in when you can’t carry your own responsibilities. It doesn’t hurt as much as the back of course, but it is there. Now it was Gail’s turn to tell me to sit down and let her do jobs I would usually do. And it was my turn to teach her some of the chores I do, like checking the oil. Looking over her shoulder, I talked her through the process, because you never know when she might need to know things like that.

The point is of course, we do for our loved ones without any feeling of sacrifice and without any consideration of return. We do it for the sake of love.

And don’t worry, I promise you’ll get Gail back next month.

Gail’s note: While this month’s column may appear to be another medical saga, it is actually on relationships. The giving and the taking. Partnerships. Couple-hood.
It is an equal opportunity column–providing the opportunity to pay back when the tables are switched. I learned a lot more than how to change oil; including, it’s not always easy to be patient, and the newness gets old fast! It was a real growth opportunity. And thankfully, a short growth opportunity!