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Aug 2006 Issue
By Steve Tracy, MA NAFP MFT
Question: My teen graduated from high school this year and refuses to go to college. No matter what is said or what we offer as incentives he says that he doesn’t like school and will never attend again. I know if he doesn’t he will be frustrated and stuck in a few years and wishing he had done more to educate himself. Right now he seems happy just working part time in a video game store. What can we do to encourage our son to continue his education?
Answer: Nothing right now will convince your son. Given his strong reactions and call of independence, continuing to push school will fortify opposition to you as parents thus hindering your ability to provide future guidance.
While remembering the Parable of the Prodigal Son, strategically concede formal education in your next talk with him and move the emphasis to truisms that will help him throughout adulthood. Naturally as parents you have an instrumental role in announcing and reinforcing the maxims that will affect his life.
Delivered correctly, at the very least you two provide role models and words of wisdom that can support him during the coming trials. If it is done incorrectly, the problems will grow like weeds covering his life and yours as well. Be sure you and your husband are on the same page to avoid unnecessary problems.
While considering these premises and also later while talking with your son, remember:
• Learning is a life-long process and we can only embrace so much at one time. Like children learning to read it comes at different times. It will come as long as there is
effort and no disability prohibiting it.
• Learning for some is best accomplished hands-on away from school. Most of the trades have their own form of schooling that includes apprentice and internships as well as fundamental items taught in school (e.g. calculating running feet so you know how much pipe, wire, or wood to buy and install).
• Outline what you expect of him as an adult in your home, the rules you live by in your home, expectations, basic courtesies, and financial obligations that he will need to carry. This denotes basic respect and forms a boundary so it is known what needs to be done so he can stay and when it is best that he finds a place of his own.
Intelligence is measured in 8 different areas:
• Logic – reason, judgment, common sense
• Linguistic - language
• Spatial - how items relate and work together
• Kinesthetic – use of the body (athletes and performers)
• Artistic – creativity and imagination
• Interpersonal – what is going on between people
• Intrapersonal – what is going on inside of self
• Social – relating to others
As you can tell, logic and linguistic are the primary areas used in school. It is easy to see why your son doesn’t like school if he learns through any of these other modalities. Helping him learn how he learns best is critical. Once he recognizes it, the other modalities can be translated into his primary mode thus reducing the frustration and increasing the accomplishments.
Encourage him to develop his talents (the naturally gifted intelligence areas) and skills (the other things we need to be able to do) as well as move towards taking care of himself financially and physically. Help your son see the personal meaning for him in The Parable of the Talents, what talents you are born with is not as important as what you do with them.
You can back this up with your testimonials of how you have witnessed him doing them (given his skill at video games probably one is visual problem solving skills). You can expect some grumbling since sitting on the couch playing games is usually a sign of avoidance, but in the end your respect of him and his capabilities can win out.
Steve Tracy’s office can be reached at 702-258-2648, or reach him by email at therapy_business@msn.com.
