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Sep 2006 Issue
by Dave Jackson
~The term addict as used in this article applies to both drug addicts and alcoholics.
Our son Brin is an addict. We know we are not alone.
It is the rare family that does not have at least one member struggling with poor choices. When one of the family suffers from these poor choices, the entire family is affected and suffers with them.
The obvious question is: what can be done to help the addict break the pattern of their destructive behavior? The real question is: what can the addict himself do to break this pattern?
Brin was a good student in high school, attended early morning seminary and church regularly and was an Eagle Scout. There were no indications, signs or symptoms that he was drinking or doing drugs. He graduated mid-term and attended BYU. Time would prove how well he had been able to conceal his actions. (We have since learned that recovering addicts admit they are “liars, cheats and thieves” and manipulators.)
The first indication he was using was when he called to tell us he was being suspended from the “Y” for drinking. He returned home and after an appropriate time he was called to serve a mission to Bolivia. Upon the completion of an honorable mission he was readmitted to BYU. His stay there lasted less than a year. Same problem.
On these and subsequent occasions he would assure us that he had stopped drinking and using. Naturally we believed him. We did so for two reasons; we wanted to believe him and he was a convincing liar.
If that sounds harsh, so be it. Until we were able to face the truth about our son’s behavior and call it what it was we were in denial. Denial is the first place parents find themselves when confronted with their child’s addiction. Addiction is hard to overcome. So is denial.
Finally his behavior and attitude forced us to face the fact he was dealing with some serious issues. However, until he was prepared to face his problems there was nothing that could be done. Until an addict is ready to change, no change will take place!
When he was first confronted with his addictions and attendant behavior he agreed to go to a psychologist with us. After numerous sessions with the therapist he was told, “I am trying hard to help you, your parents are trying hard to help you, the only one that is not trying is you. Until you are ready to help yourself you are wasting the time and money of both you and your parents.” That was his last session.
Brin had not reached the proverbial “rock bottom” that is so often necessary for addicts to begin the process of turning their life around. Finally it was a series of confrontations with the legal system which brought him to his knees, literally and figuratively.
Among the assignments he has been given to combat his addictions are to attend group and individual sessions with a counselor, and to attend several 12-step programs each week. He attends mostly LDS 12-step meetings, oriented specifically to members of the Church. (See article on p. 6.)
An integral part of 12-step is for the participant to finally accept the fact that they are not able to overcome their addiction on their own. When they realize that Christ must play an active role in their recovery, the change begins to take place. In the vernacular of the program it’s “Let go, let God.”
While Brin does his part in his come back, Gail and I have our own responsibilities; some for him, some for us. We have learned many new concepts in the past year and a half, from both the psychologist and from the family support group we attend.
Addiction is a disease, but one that is controllable. How it is handled is a product of agency.
The addict chooses to use or not use. Like all decisions a person makes, there are consequences. In the Church we call it accountability. The user is responsible for their decisions and the consequences. It is difficult for us, as parents, to let the results take effect. We want to step up and make it easier on our addict child, hoping that they have learned their lesson and are ready to turn their life around. Overwhelming statistics tell us this isn’t going to happen. Until they are held accountable for their decisions they will continue on the same path.
Perhaps the most often heard lament from parents of addicts is, “But he (she) is my baby,” in response to suggestions that they be put out of the home, not be bailed out of jail, or given food or rent money when they have been fired from a job or spent their money on their addictions.
Those of us in the Church, who have been taught that our families are our most important responsibility, feel we are abdicating that responsibility when we seemingly turn our back on our child in need. I suggest we are performing a greater disservice when we take away their agency by removing the consequences of their actions. We enable our child when they take an action and we try to soften the situation. By “fixing” the consequences we are removing their accountability; we are not allowing them to pay the price for their decisions.
Brin recently had to spend a month in jail, not for using or drinking but for breaking one of the rules he had agreed to. Can you imagine how hard it was, when he got out, to not offer him food, money, or anything other than our love to help him get back on his feet? It was tough and it hurt, but it was the right thing to do.
In our support group we are weekly reminded of two important points. First, “We didn’t cause it, we can’t control it and we can’t cure it.” Second, when our child approaches us for help, while our first inclination is to fix it, we must say, “That is a problem. What are you going to do about it?”
I imagine the father of the prodigal son had a good idea his son was going to make bad decisions, but he didn’t try to stop him. And, he was there for him immediately when he was prepared to change his life, “… when he came to himself…”, but not a minute before. We cannot will such a change.
Parents also have a tendency to blame themselves for the actions of their children. If we have done our job as a parent, if we have taught our kids right from wrong, if we have done our best to teach them the right way, then we have done our job. Our children have their agency, we must permit them to use it. We are essentially taking on Satan’s plan when we remove any part of the agency process.
We must ask ourselves these questions: Who am I doing this for, me or my child? What good am I doing for my child? In the long run, what harm am I doing to my child by taking away the consequences of his actions?
Being the parent of an addict is a difficult thing, being an addict is harder yet. Until we are prepared to let our children stand accountable for their decisions they are destined to suffer throughout their lives. The two things we can do for our addict child are to always love them, though we may not always like them, and to pray constantly for their recovery.
~ Brin, age 32 and a recovering addict, has given permission to use his name. His hope is that his story may touch someone with a similar need.
