Contact
Subscribe
Sep 2006 Issue
by Steve Tracy, MA, NAFP, MFT
Question: I am so tired of being weak! No matter who asks me, I do what they want and I’ll do it even if they don’t ask. My kids take advantage of me at home and the same happens at work. I need to change so I can gain some respect. What can I do?
Answer: Your frustration and desire speak very clearly. The energy and respect you seek is accomplished via a different personal journey, one that will fortify your innate self so you will feel good about yourself at the end of the day, regardless of what others think or say.
Keep in mind that determination to change your life (“I can’t take this anymore!”) is the fuel that will help you on this journey, but few people complete the transformation since they lose focus of both their goal and why they started in the first place.
President Spencer W. Kimball spoke about the Old Testament prophet Abraham’s transformation from an idol-worshiper to a man of God as an example of personal growth and change. The elements President Kimball outlined to develop personal strength include:
Self mastery is the key
Every person should study his own life, his own desires, and wants and cravings, and bring them under control… the way to perfection seems to be a changing of one’s life – to substitute the good for the evil in every case.
Perfection is attained by self-mastery
Perfection is a long, hard journey with many pitfalls. It is not attainable overnight.
Eternal vigilance is the price of victory and in becoming master of oneself.
It cannot be accomplished in little spurts and disconnected efforts. There must be constant, valiant, purposeful, righteous living.
Changes come best if we take one item at a time
Change comes by substituting new habits for old and changing our environment.
You mold your character and future by thoughts and actions. It requires practice and eventually it gets easier, and we change so that we can make our new choices more easily.
In concert with these watchwords, psychology provides ‘how-to’ advice for implementing the changes:
Break things down into smaller, self-contained units.
(e.g. I feel weak when I don’t say “I am busy” when asked to do something)
Change requires structure
Logically sequence what you will do and when.
Practice by yourself and with helpers in many settings. (e.g. ask me to do something and I will say “I can’t right now”)
Identify what works.
Revisit your plan regularly.
Examine the real consequences of both the negative and desired behaviors. This pushes you away from un-desired lifestyles. (e.g. I feel bad about myself and dislike others when I don’t speak up. I feel nervous when I think about speaking up but I feel better afterwards.)
Change is frightening so we resist it due to fear of the unknown and stick with status quo behaviors. Recognize it and don’t criticize yourself for temporary set-backs.
Change must be positive so enjoy the new action. Praise yourself!
Take baby steps since slower is better and lasts longer. Small changes are big deals!
Monitor your behavior and request feedback from credible helpers.
Put stars on a calendar each time you speak up and have friends/spouse praise you too.
It is common when first looking at these steps to feel overwhelmed. Wait for it to pass as you talk to yourself with encouraging words and perhaps a song. ‘The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step; or The Sound of Music’s Do-Re-Mi song; “let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.”
Fun things like this will combat the doldrums and help you focus on making the changes that will lead you to who you really are and who you want to be. After all, as President Kimball said “diligence brings joy and builds character.” It is the strength of character that will give you the self-respect you crave, and the world can see it too.
Steve Tracy’s office can be reached at 702-258-2648, or reach him by email at therapy_business@msn.com.
