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Sep 2006 Issue
Name Withheld
Our son has been arrested on drug charges.”
With this simple sentence, my world came crashing down. Despite the fact that I had a supportive husband and a family who loved me, I sank into despair. After all, if I’d failed so miserably with my oldest son, how could I possibly expect to raise my other six? I didn’t feel I deserved to live, and I felt my children would be better off with a more qualified mother.
One night I dreamt that my son had jumped off a cliff and I reached out to save him. Instead, I lost my footing and began descending into the deepest, darkest abyss. Occasionally, Heavenly Father would give me a ledge or a tree branch to delay my fall. Gratefully I would thank him and rest.
Then I’d ponder my son’s situation, and negative thoughts would crowd my mind. I’d lose my footing, and continue plummeting downward. When I awoke, the dream still was fresh on my mind and I knew that I needed to rid myself of despair before it consumed me. I prayed for help.
One of the most significant things I did to help myself was join the A.D.A.M. family (Alcoholics and Drug Addicts Anonymous family support group). Each week, I went to meetings across town, and came home feeling a little better; stronger.
Some of the things I learned were:
• My son’s choices were not my fault.
• I shouldn’t encourage him by rewarding bad behavior (don’t show love by bearing gifts or money).
• Let him suffer the consequences of his own behavior.
• Sometimes people have to hit the bottom before they have the will to improve.
• I was not alone in my trials.
• If I gave my problems to the Lord, he would give me strength to endure.
• I needed to spend more time pondering my blessings.
• Heavenly Father didn’t expect me to be a perfect parent; only to learn from my trials.
As bad as things got, there were still others who I felt had worse trials.
By being around others who were going through similar difficulties, I received the strength I needed to continue from day to day.
I was also prompted to study my scriptures. In doing so, I pondered the story of Lehi. His oldest sons, Laman and Lemuel, had tried to kill him and their brother Nephi. Through Lehi’s sufferings and trials, I gained a better perspective on my situation.
Although my son had problems, he had never tried to harm another member of our family. He was a good person, and I needed to appreciate his strengths.
In reading the Ensign, I learned and grew from the testimony of our modern-day prophet and the apostles. One article hit me personally. It described despair as the lack of faith. Horrified, I realized I had been without faith. I prayed earnestly for a renewal and pondered my dream often. Was I resting with the Lord, or plummeting in despair? Through scripture study, prayer, and seriously considering my many blessings, I was able to build my faith and rid my life of despair.
My story didn’t end with my wayward son repenting and going on a mission or being married in the Temple. Yet, my story does have a happy ending. I’ve learned to focus more on my blessings and less on my trials. I understand better that Heavenly Father loves me, knows my trials and is eager to help.
I realize that things happen in the Lord’s time. Life isn’t meant to be easy; it’s a test. However, there are many places I can turn for help. My son is still close and we love each other. He has started going back to church, and maybe one day he’ll allow himself to again receive the blessings of full fellowship in the Lord’s kingdom.
