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Oct 2006 Issue
Name Withheld
Forgiveness is an important teaching of our Savior Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, I’ve had a difficult time with this principle.
My second husband and I were married for twenty-two years. Following his death, his family requested a meeting regarding the family trust. His daughters and their husbands came to my home and it was soon apparent there was a difference in interpretation of what was intended by the trust. In trying to defend my position, hurtful things were said. I felt backed into a corner, four against one, and lost my composure.
After they left, I cried and shook uncontrollably for two hours. I phoned a neighbor to come help me calm down. Hearing my side of it she advised me to get legal help. I contacted a well-known trust lawyer and told him I wanted to be fair to everyone. It took months, but a settlement was finally agreed upon.
Over the next two years I wrote four letters of apology, getting no response. I was devastated. Not only had I lost my husband, but I had lost part of his family, people I’d grown to love.
“You have done your part by apologizing; now it is up to them,” a friend advised. I was not comforted.
I told my Bishop, “I wish I knew how to repent so they would accept my apology.”
Conference talks by Church leaders have stressed the need for forgiveness. Forgiveness has been the topic of articles in the Ensign and in this publication. I saved and studied them all. The steps to forgiveness were outlined and I tried to apply them. Yet something was missing.
I wanted to forgive. I thought I had forgiven. So why did these troubling thoughts keep returning?
Grief for my husband’s death lingered on, and I realized I needed more help. I joined a Bereavement Support Group. The counselor suggested I write a letter to my husband’s children requesting they come and get the furniture their father willed to them. I needed closure.
As the day appointed for their arrival neared, I grew tense and worried that there would be a repeat of the conflict of that earlier meeting. Then I remembered something that helped. “Don’t judge the future by the past.”
The grief counselor reminded me of Moroni’s writings on faith, hope and charity. I had read and appreciated that message before, but I felt even more keenly the need to apply it to my present situation.
I also tried to consider things from their point of view. I wanted to see my husband’s family through the lens of love. I wanted to feel that love and not let past mistakes overshadow the here and now.
For some reason I felt impressed to re-read the Prayer of Dedication my husband had written for our home. “We ask Thee to bless our home with Thy presence and that of Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost…bless us with faith, hope, and charity and the pure love of Christ…let us show our love for Thee, dear Father, in thoughts, actions and conversations, dismissing negative thoughts to allow positive thinking and happiness to flow in.” Re-reading that prayer brought peace, and I felt the comforting presence of my husband and of my Heavenly Father.
“Forgiveness is not about them, it is about you,” observed Dr. Phil. “You want them to forgive you, but you need to forgive them,” observed a friend. I was beginning to get the message.
When Donna arrived with her son John, recently returned from a mission, he greeted me with a warm smile and a big hug. Donna indicated a handshake would do. They were here to take the entertainment center. John worked several hours unhooking wires and reconnecting them to its replacement. Donna even asked if they could do anything else to help me.
I appreciated all they had done and hugged them before they left– even Donna. Later I came across something I’d written the previous year. “Donna came to me in a dream last night. Nothing was said about the past; there were only feelings of love.”
I realized my prayers had been answered; my dream came true. The pure love of Christ, essential for forgiveness, requires that we put aside hurt feelings, bruised egos, feelings of rejection, fear and guilt.
Why did it take me so long to feel this love in my heart? I shake my head at the thought of all the wasted energy I expended by letting negative emotions control me. I knew better. I can’t but wonder what happened to my faith. Even though it took too long, I finally learned this important lesson: forgiveness is possible only through love.
