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Oct 2006 Issue
By Steve Tracy, MA NAFP MFT
Question: My husband was injured at work and is at home for a few months. To help make ends meet I have gotten a part time job, so I’m gone during the day. I get home about a half hour after the children return from school. My husband helps the best he can at home but has to stay mostly in bed. It seems we are all on edge and arguing has increased. What can we do to help settle things down?
Answer: Even though everyone understands what has happened and why things are different now at home, this temporary change has “upset the apple cart” in how your family operates.
Many of the ‘customary’ things are different. Your husband is at home during the day when the children come home from school and you are not. You are likely responsible for most of the over-seeing at home of the chores and responsibilities while your husband is in bed. The children too have extra things to do.
As everyone settles down into the new routine, keep in mind the five stages of change, described by Bruce Tuckman, that your family (team) can expect as it realigns roles and responsibilities:
Forming - Family comes together, faces the challenges, and acts to get things done. Each person is motivated to help but is not usually aware of overall issues. Direc-
tive leadership is important.
Storming – alternative ideas, responsibilities, confrontations, and changes begin to surface. Debate begins on the best way to do things and how it should happen.
Parents’ leadership may feel challenged. Tolerance, patience, and good communication skills are needed to prevent breakdown of relationships.
Norming – behaviors, roles, and responsibilities are accepted as individuals adjust to each other. Team work seems natural and fluid as rules, taboos, and methods are agreed upon and followed. Trust increases through interdependence and parents take on a participative leadership role.
Performing – family members operate competently and autonomously. They are able to handle decision-making processes without supervision. Dissent still occurs, and can be expected, yet it is channeled through acceptable means. Parents need to emphasize individuality and creativity during this phase as it can be lost.
Adjourning – after a situation returns to normal (husband returns to work) the ‘task’ is completed so the new roles and responsibilities are disbanded. Mourning along with another journey through this process can occur since things are altered once again.
These changes and processes induce stress to the family and each individual. Stress is manifest in several ways:
Physical – tight muscles, increased heart and respiratory rate, restlessness, and trouble sleeping, the need to be moving or sitting very still (overwhelmed)
Emotional – nervousness, being on-edge, moody, sometimes feeling hopeless
Social – difficulty interacting, individuals isolate or need to constantly be around others, are abrasive at times
Cognitive – rapid or dulled thoughts, trouble thinking or understanding, extreme ideas one way or the other
Watch for all these signs and talk about them together with out ‘picking out’ one individual. Instead, discuss it as a family problem that comes from all the changes. Insert normal routines that act like a comforting blanket – family time at night to read, pray, laugh, and do activities done in the past. Redefine how these changes affect everyone but will be short-lived, and how everyone is doing very special service now (your husband should lead this conversation and thank everyone profusely for their help while he gets better).
Steve Tracy’s office can be reached at 258-2648.
