by Steve Tracy, MA NAFP MFT

Question: My husband was seriously disabled two years ago. It has been a big challenge for the whole family, especially since I now work and we all have to take care of him. Sometimes when we try to help we get snappy. Other times it brings so much sweetness. How can we stay close as a family with this trial?

Answer: You have described the effects of a long term disability very well. As you noted, it is hard on everyone, yet special intimate moments are created. This is a naturally occurring byproduct of ongoing service and says good things about your family. Disabilities and similar stressful events pick at the threads of family dynamics until the family re-balances to the new demands individually and as a unit.

Part of the journey your family and other caregivers will go through includes these elements:

Allow everyone their own experience. Each person has a unique take on how life is today versus before the accident. The unique feelings, ideas, guilt, etc. need to be acknowledged and accepted openly so they don’t fester into problems.

Grieving. “Normal” life has been usurped by the day-to-day needs of your husband and the injuries. This loss causes the stages of grieving including denial, sadness, anger, bargaining (to make it go away), and acceptance. Recognize and mourn the ongoing losses too. Caring of this kind means you will lose time and activities you would like to do.

Stress and Frustration are common. Because your husband can’t do some things for himself, just asking others to do it will stress him and them. It will seem like you can no longer just sit and read a book without having to do something. Noticing it and discussing it can help dissipate its effects.

Share the burdens within and outside the family. Letting one or two persons do a majority of the care will lead to burnout. Setting a schedule reduces pressure as everyone knows when it’s their turn and when they have time out. Accepting help from ward members, family and friends, though embarrassing at times, is beneficial for all.

Handle emotions strategically. When someone is emotional, go with it– don’t block the emoting. While it may seem logical to explain, rationalize, or refute the validity of the emotion, acting like Mr. Spock from Star Trek will create barriers and cause shut-down. Being sad with those who are sad, or upset, angry, or frustrated actually helps dissipate the feeling through a fostered interpersonal connection. Be angry at the injury or illness and not each other.

Address the needs of all in the family. It is easy to make the injury and care the focus of the home. Make sure to notice and address individual needs of family members, whether it be Little League Baseball, going to the library, or attending a school play. Everyone should be active developing and enhancing their life. Infuse times where the family and/or individuals get to do ‘normal’ things.

Empathy means giving care as needed. Sometimes the best intended care is poorly constructed and delivered because it doesn’t match the need of the recipient. Analyzing life through other’s eyes and asking questions where needed will make sure the care matches the need.

By working through these items you will notice further what Elder Cuthbert said:

“Service changes people. It refines, purifies, gives a finer perspective, and brings out the best in each one of us. It gets us looking outward instead of inward. It prompts us to consider others’ needs ahead of our own. Righteous service is the expression of true charity, such as the Savior showed.”

Noticing and handling both the positive and negative sides as they occur will make this happen in your family and establish lasting true values and priorities.

Steve Tracy’s office can be reached at 702-258-2648, or reach him by email at therapy_business@msn.com.