By Steve Tracy, MA NAFP MFT

Question: I am a shy person and feel very guilty that I don’t talk about the church with others. I have a hard time ordering food at a restaurant, let alone talking about religion. Is there anything I can do to be more comfortable talking with others?

Answer: Yes, you can feel more comfortable talking with others on any subject. For shy people, this is the ‘journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step.’ Often shy folks see an interaction as ‘the thousand miles,’ blowing up each individual step into huge segments with too many meanings and implications. Breaking down such actions into smaller segments and disrupting the discomfort enables easier communication.

Some ideas to aid this process are:

Learn to be comfortable with yourself as you are. You will be able to talk and share ideas with others when you accept who you are. Too often we can’t see beyond
our own negatives and believe others see them the same way we do.

Stop apologizing. If you apologize for things you say or do then your message is dismissed before it’s even received. Start by restating things you wish you had said in earlier conversations. Follow this statement with “and it is OK to think and say his” either out loud or in your mind.

Recognize your basic rights. Edmund Bourne in The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook outlines 25 basic human rights. Read these rights and spend some time analyzing the ones that cause discomfort. Where did this start, what keeps it going today?
Then, make it a practice to say this statement to your self daily. (“e.g. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I do not like.”)

Practice with people you know. Say simple things to them that you wouldn’t normally say and then ask, “Do you mind me saying that?” Listen to their words when they reply and accept them.

Visualize yourself as capable. In your mind see yourself as a capable, non-shy person. Notice what you do. Watch others who are not shy and notice how they do it.

Watch for anxiety or stress. Increased heart and respiratory rate, muscle tension, and dread play behind the scenes. When you know what your stressors are you will be able to counteract them directly.

You have a right to ask questions or make statements. An inaliable right provided by Agency is that each person can ask what they want because we give others the right to say yes or no. Asking questions allows for clarity of desires and ideas whether we like the answers or not.

Start Small. Don’t expect yourself to start talking deeply about religion or other personal feelings with others. Few people start discussions with the deepest elements, rather we learn about each other. Get used to asking questions of others regarding their ideas and if they practice a religion.

Give Yourself Time to get used to these things. Part of the ‘thousand miles’ is expecting yourself to do it all right, right now. Be patient with yourself: after all, even the Savior had to learn before His ministry.

Put as your big picture the desire to share the gospel message with someone. This goal will lead you through the other steps. Start like Johnny Appleseed and drop seeds here and there that will lead to a fruitful tree. Since Christmas is coming up an easy way to begin is taking goodies around with a Christmas message to your neighbors. This is a short and meaningful interaction that may lead to other openings.

Steve Tracy’s office can be reached at 702-258-2648, or reach him by email at therapy_business@msn.com.