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Jan 2007 Issue
by Dave Ellis
It’s January, I guess it’s time for my yearly ritual. I step outside, see my shadow and go back in to watch TV for six more weeks. OK, so I’m not as famous as Punxsutawney Phil, but I do share his body shape and hairy back. We also walk the same, except I’m a little more upright.
I will also perform my other yearly ritual of making a list of hearty goals followed by the ritual of making a list of excuses, which is just as time-consuming. Really I shouldn’t refer to my second list as ‘excuses’ but rather a list of reasons I didn’t complete my goals. Which is somehow different from an excuse, but not really…so maybe this year I will make a more attainable list of goals by improving my self-esteem or (finger quotes ready) “white-washing” over my current problems.
HEALTH
(really this means WEIGHT, but let’s start off positive)
I’ve decided that I’m not fat, just really well marbled. If I were a steak, people would pay a lot of money for me, especially by the pound. Now I really do want to get the weight down but that means I have eat less and move more.
Do you see the trap there? It sounds too simple! Most diet programs are as complex and hard to understand as tax code being read through a fast food drive-thru intercom. Who am I to try to dumb down the diet industry? They have scientists putting these programs together. So this year I resolve to try one crazy diet that involves techniques that have been deemed unconstitutional towards prisoners.
MONEY
Now we are getting somewhere. I really don’t have a problem with my money, it’s more a problem with the money that others are willing to give me. OK really they are more willing to ‘rent’ this money to me in the form of credit cards. This really isn’t a joking matter, except I’m paid for the ha-ha’s, so I will make it a joking matter.
Treat money like an apple pie. Divide it up carefully and then dish it frugally. Pie does not last forever, and money doesn’t grow on trees, but apples do… so you can always make another pie. I hope you learned something here.
RELATIONSHIPS
Most people are nicer to complete strangers than they are to their own family. My solution? Start treating strangers more harshly. They really don’t deserve your respect – you just barely met them. Make sure they know you are disappointed in the quality of your five minute history and you expect more out of them. Then when you go home to your family you will have spent all of your ornery energy elsewhere.
EDUCATION
Most people stop learning once they are done with school. This is too bad. We really need to be life-long learners or else we might not be able to express ourselves gooder and stuff. The main thing is to always look smart to your kids, which is not hard because I’ve already passed all of their grades. My whole plan falls apart if any of them go for their master’s degree, but until then all of my made up facts and figures stand.
OK, so this wasn’t really a complete list, more like observations, which are shorter than resolutions. It’s not my fault; commercial breaks are too short. I do know that 2007 has much promise and hope in it. I promise to keep doing dumb stuff, I promise to write it down and I hope that you will laugh at it. Happy New Year.
