By LaRae Free Kerr

Marriage has historically been an economic alliance: I’ll provide the food, shelter, clothing and safety. You provide the magic that creates children and nurture them to adulthood.

When property is at stake, marriage becomes a political alliance too: If I marry you, I’ll be richer and/or more powerful than I was before.

More recently, marriage for fulfillment has been ascendant: I’ll support your dreams and goals, and you support mine. According to romance novels and James Bond-type adventures, physical attraction has been the most important catalyst of marriage or alliance. Yet always, spiritual, emotional and intellectual aspects of relationships result in the classic love between partners.

Of all these elements, what’s most important to you? In other words, when (and if) you celebrate Valentine’s Day this month, what will you actually be celebrating? The economic or lusty elements of love? The practical or romantic aspects of love? Believe it or not, ancestor histories can help you find out what kind of love is most important to you. All you have to do is interview parents and grandparents about their courtships or read their histories.

As I did this, I had one ‘aha’ after another. I found these fabulous sentences on page 367 of History of St Clair County, Illinois, originally published 1881, reproduced by Unigraphic, Inc in 1975: “It is related that Absalom P. Free stole a girl, Patsey Belsher, from a camp of emigrants on their way to Missouri, and married her. They were married May 1st, 1818.” Wow, how romantic. Or maybe, how desperate.

My Grandfather, Absalom’s son, born when his father was seventy-five, saw a young woman at a party in Pioche, Nevada. Though thirteen years her senior, he asked her to marry him. There was no courting, according to Grandma; he just came by every month or so to make sure she was still there until the wedding. How romantic.

My Dad walked into his sophomore high school class in Panaca, Nevada, saw a young lady and said to himself, “That’s the girl I’m going to marry.” It took him ten years to convince her, but it finally came about. How romantic.

On the maternal side, the father of that sophomore girl asked her mother to marry him, then gave her a choice. “Do you want a diamond ring or a house?” he asked. At that time, 1916, houses and rings cost about the same. She chose the house, and it was a good thing, because she lived in it her whole life. Oh, rooms were added onto the front, the back, the bottom, but still, it was the same house. How practical.

Without revealing too much, let’s just say I definitely opted for the romantic scenario in my own life. Would I have been wiser to be a little more practical? Or a little more intellectual or spiritual or even lustful? I’m not going to answer that, but I learned much about myself and my choices from this little exercise. Try it with your own ancestor love stories. It might be as revealing to you as it was to me. For by evaluating the romance patterns of your ancestors, you can learn much about your own romantic notions.

Have a great Valentine’s Day no matter what your ancestors did. Remember: you wouldn’t be here without them.

LaRae Free Kerr, M. ED. can be reached at itsallrelatives@sfcn.org.