by Jay & Marilyn Richardson

When two people from different backgrounds come together—and everyone’s background is unique—a hidden potential for crisis exists. To adapt to living with a relative stranger, newlyweds need to understand some of the more subtle dynamics of family life. Learning the difference between “family rules” and “family laws,” help families to co-exist in peace.

Family laws and family rules are a way of thinking about how people relate. The terms may seem interchangeable, but family therapists say there is a distinction. A family law is a spoken or written code of behavior, the kind that is stuck on the refrigerator or discussed at family home evenings, or more casually in the course of training children in acceptable behavior. No television until the homework is done, lights out by 9:00 on a school night, no friends over until Saturday jobs are completed. These laws are easy for everyone to understand.

Rules, however, are unspoken. They exist below the level of consciousness and family members don’t think about them. The concept of family rules includes one’s feeling about “how things ought to be.” No one sits in the recliner, that’s Dad’s chair. No one reads the paper until Dad has had a chance. At the dinner table, the chair closest to the kitchen is Mom’s.

In the case of newlyweds, each partner will have brought a separate set of rules with them. And since they aren’t even aware they have them, they won’t be prepared for the tension, even the arguments, these rules may trigger. A trifle may trigger a major conflict.

Newlywed Jake explained his feeling about what should happen when he was sick. “My mother always brought me a cold wash cloth for my head, made a special bed for me on the couch, brought me orange juice, and checked on me every 20 minutes. This kind of pampering was a sign that I was loved.”

Jake’s wife, Nancy, felt differently about what she wanted when she was ill. “Leave me alone, don’t bother me. I’m trying to get well. Go away, turn out the light and close the door. I’ll be out when I’m better.” This difference between Jake and Nancy took years to sort out. At first when Jake was sick, he felt rejected and abandoned. Nancy, on the other hand, felt her husband intruded into her space and interfered with her recovery. How inconsiderate.

In another example, a woman who values a well balanced meal had a conflict when she married a meat and potatoes man. “I didn’t particularly care if my boyfriend didn’t like vegetables. But I cared very much that my husband eat healthy meals.” The new husband, who had agreed he could, perhaps, eat a few veggies, hadn’t expected to have them served with every meal. “I meant once a week,” he complained.

This is hardly a crisis situation and would fall under the category of what one family therapist calls tremendous trifles. These trifles are only tremendous only if one of the people involved considers their partner’s behavior unacceptable, inconsiderate, peculiar, or rude.

Bringing expectations into a marriage is normal. We will never disagree in public. We will share the work load at home. He’ll take out the garbage, she’ll shop for groceries. It’s the unspoken rules that make for trouble. And it’s amazing how much frustration breaking such a rule can generate.

Sometimes you just feel uncomfortable about your partner’s actions and you aren’t sure why. You are annoyed, and even if you know why, the reason is so stupid you are annoyed at yourself for being annoyed. Still, the feeling doesn’t go away. In fact, it returns each time the behavior is repeated and joins the residue of all the times it has happened before. The accumulation can become the mountain that was once a mole hill.

Consider a man whose mother always cleaned the kitchen after every meal. He marries a woman who feels that walking away from the dishes, especially in the evening, is the only thing that makes sense. “I’ll do them in the morning,” she thinks. He is thinking, “I’ve married a slob.”

Having a slob for a wife is no laughing matter. And after several weeks of this, the husband may erupt and say things he’ll be sorry for later. How can a married couple resolve the tension that develops?

In a less volatile moment, couples must talk about what they are feeling. “Why did you do that?” “Why are you upset? I can tell you are.” The words must be spoken with an honest desire to understand.

The tone of voice is important; there must be no feeling of attack and defense. It may be helpful to begin with a question, “What did your family used to do when…?”

And try to remember, marriage is full of tremendous trifles.

Marilyn Richardson is a freelance writer from St. George. Her husband, Jay, is a family counselor and retired educator.