By Gail Jackson

Picture the check register in your bank account.

If there are only withdrawals and no deposits you will quickly become financially bankrupt.

Picture yourself as the check register. If there are only withdrawals of self and no deposits (renewals) doesn’t it follow that you will become emotionally bankrupt?

Where are you on your own priority list? If you are not high on your own list, you must change that. How can you do that? My own struggles with these concepts were clarified a few years ago when I happened to tune into an Oprah Winfrey show when she had Dr. Phil McGraw, PhD, as a guest. While I wish I had received this information many years ago when I was raising our children, it is still applicable.

I have coupled Dr. Phil’s professional advice with my own experience to present the following.

Get over any guilt about making yourself a priority.

Being the best wife/mom/person is not devoting every minute to others and their needs. Do not feel guilty by not giving 100 percent to others. Do not think you have or must have an infinite amount of energy to give to or provide for others. You will quickly reach the point of “going through the motions.” What gift is that to your family? You cannot give what you do not have.

Structure your life to make yourself a priority.

You are not giving a gift to yourself or your husband or family if you burn yourself out. It is easier to tell yourself no than others. Make appointments with yourself and keep them.
Be willing to delegate to others to give yourself time. Let go of the perception that everything has to be done your way and, if necessary, accept less than “perfection” as a result of this delegation.

“Kiss a Lot of Frogs”

Discover a new role for yourself. Find out what your passions are. Use the survey at the end of this article to create a list of everything you use to do and enjoy; note why you stopped doing them. Take action – try everything on the list. Give each one a chance.
Then, make your choices priority. Your time “away from home” brings more energy back home!

Obstacles!

You can’t let yourself believe it is really okay to put yourself on any rung of the ladder of priorities let alone the top rung. It will require that you move outside of your comfort zone. Or, could we say rut? This will make you think, make you come up with something to do—and then doing it. Your husband and kids might make you feel guilty when you try to do something for yourself– that may require (more) help from them.

Benefits!

When you make deposits in your own personal self account you are buoying yourself up, refreshing and renewing yourself, getting more so you can keep giving. Any kite flies higher with good wind to lift it. You will fly higher, with more energy and happiness, if you take time to refill your sails by allowing yourself another dimension. You will not burn out. You and everyone around you will be happier and healthier.

Facts!

Taking time for self is as important as doing for others. This new way of living is not going against maternal bond or ideals. Dr. Phil presented the following.

There is an honest-to-goodness hormonal difference between men and women. It is a science called Behavioral Medicine and the proven truths of it are: When things get tough, men either Fight or Flee. Women Tend (nesting and homing) or Befriend. Men enjoy their buddies, Women NEED friendship. In times of stress, girlfriends help us calm down. This chemical reaction reduces our life’s health risks as much as 60 percent.

Oprah added, “Women just don’t get it. We HAVE to make ourselves a priority.”

If women and their families allow for non-Mom time, it is a good deal for everyone. It eliminates resentment build up and burn out. To paraphrase a popular saying, “If momma is happy then everyone is happy!”

Dr. Phil admonished “If you don’t put yourself in the shop as much as your car you are going to break down.”

You are, or maybe becoming, a martyr if:

You say no to yourself more than to anyone else.

You have gone a week without time for yourself while serving everyone else.

You are making sure everyone else has fun, freedom, relaxation and stress relief, but not yourself.

You cannot buy into the fact that it is okay to put yourself at the top.

You have been sold the bill of goods that being a wife and or mom is ALL that is necessary, that you do not need adult time, quiet time, self time.

Many years ago my personal physician told me that stress is the #1 underlying reason for doctor visits and that “If you don’t stop or at least limit yourself, something will!” I ignored that sound advice and later learned the hard way that you do not need a doctor’s permission slip to say NO.

How do I get this time for me?

Dr. Phil gives us the following steps: First, admit that we as women teach people how to treat us, we allow them to treat us the way they often do. Second, write a script to help your family understand your needs. Choose a time when everyone can be together without tension, TV or other distractions. Line them all up like crows on a clothes line, screw up your courage, take a big breath, and say “I want to talk about ME,” and put the following into words you are comfortable with.

I have been trying to give you everything I have and as a result I have been cheating all of us – none of you are getting all of me or all I have to give.

I can’t give you what I don’t have and I have just about given all I have.

I need wind blown into me. I need to refuel. I need regular and scheduled time to breathe and be just me. Not wife, mom, or anything but (your name). A unique individual.

I try to make sure you have everything that you need and in doing so I am neglecting myself. I feel guilty if I take time out for myself and I shouldn’t.

I want your blessings. I want your encouragement. I NEED your help.

I must make sure this happens. I am worth it!

Survey Yourself

Fill in the blanks to the following statements.

I used to love to… But I quit because…

I used to like to… But I quit because…

I have always wanted to…

What is it in my day that truly makes me the happiest?

What was the happiest time in my life?

Why?

How can I replicate that?

As you consider all the above, and take the hard steps to accepting the seemingly selfish fact that the above is not being selfish at all, remember that bank accounts usually don’t increase by huge amounts occasionally, but small amounts regularly. Picture how fast a jar can fill up with the small addition of loose change you add at the end of each day.

I am sure that you will find that setting aside “your” time, though a comparatively small amount, will fill you immeasurably.