By Dave Ellis

I have five kids; four girls and one poor nitpicked boy, but he deserves it. When we bought our current house we only had three little kids, two girls and the boy. It seemed like we had too much space; cabinets were empty, we put both cars in the garage and we had a bedroom for each child. Then another girl was born, then another. I just calculated the bathroom to girl ratio as being 1/4 and realized I need to change it.

My first inclination is to move into a bigger house. On the up side we could just leave all of our stuff (junk) behind and let the next people deal with it. But then our new house would be empty. Moving to a bigger place has a lot of advantages, but (there’s always a big ‘but’) you tend to occupy the amount of space you have.

If this is true then I can’t move: my doctor says I can’t get any bigger, it’s bad for my heart. Plus we’d really just redistribute our junk (stuff) over a greater area. This would give me more spaces to step barefoot between the Lego’s but it might not be worth the cost.

The other problem with moving is moving (I really need to get a Thesaurus). I hate moving. I don’t know why. My dad was in the Air Force and we had seven kids and moved every two years. Wait, I bet that’s it.

It’s not so much about the actual moving- that I can handle. It’s about when you pack your house up. How do you pack when you are still living there? You can’t pack the toilet paper, dish soap or television remote – you’d be helpless without them. Instead you pack stuff that has sat on your shelves, like books, or in your drawers, like toothpaste, that you haven’t used in years.

Which brings up my other point, you have too much stuff. Yes you. I’m just assuming that the average American, like me, has purchased too many home improvement projects that end up in a bag on a shelf. By the time I get to the bag it’s like going to a swap meet and getting a grab bag! I don’t know what’s in it, don’t know what it’s for but gosh what a prize! I’ve found pieces of PVC pipe, tick repellent and brake pads. If I was MacGyver I’d have a makeshift hovercraft by now.

Back to the moving idea – The other option we have is to add onto our current house. To add another bathroom would mean knocking out a wall in the side of the house, this time on purpose. We’d then add a bathroom with dual sinks, something called a ‘makeup counter’ and a tub/toilet combo, if they make those. The whole endeavor would run about $50,000. This seems like a lot of money until you factor in time. In five short years I will have two teenage girls who, at the current time don’t like to take baths. This will all change.

Pretty soon they will be treating the bathroom like an upscale nightclub. There will be a line at the door and music that I don’t care for blaring from inside. Plus, like the real world, I won’t be allowed inside. Girls need space to work and their bathroom becomes their shrine. So we have quite a conundrum (thanks new Thesaurus!), so I’m asking you, gentle reader, for advice via email (dave@desertsaintsmagazine.com). The best advice will get a witty retort via email and possibly an open mocking in a future article.