By Dave Ellis

May I vent for a moment? David Ellis is unfortunately a common name. There are about ten of us in the Vegas Valley, each more handsome than the next. It’s true, if we ever have a David Ellis convention, and we are all lined up right, you could totally see it. In reality it looks more like an evolution chart, with me somewhere in the middle.

Having nine other people with my name is pretty cool but it has also caused some problems. I get interesting calls regarding their financial interests, sometimes at three in the morning. The latest call went something like this.

Clock: 3:14 AM
Phone: Ring!
Me: (startled)….Hello?
Inconsiderate Caller: Is this David Ellis?
Me: Yes
I.C.: Do you have family in Missouri?
Me: (hoping to win a prize if I get the answer right) Uh no.
I.C.: Sorry.
Phone: Click
Clock: 3:15 AM

The only bonus to this story is the guy called back ten minutes later to verify my answer, which hadn’t changed mind you, and to tell me he’s looking for someone named David Ellis. My knowledge of the situation remained pretty consistent between the two calls. No new information here. I went to bed wondering if we should move to Missouri so at least I’d be in the same time zone for the next call. That’s a weird way to advertise your state Tourist Board, but it’s effective. It really got me thinking.

This is just one of many false identity phone calls that I get in a week. I don’t blame the telemarketers, they are just doing their job, which is by definition:

1. That’s a weird way to advertise your state Tourist Board, but it’s effective. It really got me thinking.
2. This is just one of many false identity phone calls.
3. Get yelled at by me

We are on the Do Not Call List (www.donotcall.gov) and yet we Do Get Called all the time! Maybe I should join the For Real This Time Do Not Call List (www.for_real_this_time_do_not_call_list.com) or just revert to #3 on my above list. I do know they have a job to do, but man is it annoying. The worst call is when the phone rings, you answer and there is no one there! How are they making money by not even saying anything? We used to do this to girls I liked when I was a kid but at least I giggled before I hung up. The least they could do is add a chortle or tee-hee at the end of the call then at least I could feel pranked or something.

I think we should scrap the Do Not Call List and instead make a Do Call List of all the owners of telemarketing firms. Every citizen would then be required, like jury duty, to call three people on the list every night. Oh, and the people on the list have to note when they eat dinner so you know when to call. Make sure you follow the script on the paper and throw in a hearty laugh at the end, for prank value. How awesome would that be?

If any of you reading this are telemarketers know that I am just joking, I know you are only doing your jobs. If you are still offended I would personally like to apologize. Just email me your name, phone and time that you go to bed and I will get back to you right away. Trust me.