by Dave Ellis

I looked up from my lunch at a café the other day to watch a guy outside the window struggling to stuff a twenty pound iguana into a duffel bag. My first thought was “how is it we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make a duffel bag that fits a twenty pound iguana?” My second thought was “why do weird things happen around me?”

That iguana really got me thinking about how strange things happen to me. I should be thankful for all this free material; otherwise I’d really have to think about what I’m writing rather than regurgitating the events of my life. I should get a tax deduction for this stuff.

Sometimes the weird stuff is brought to me by the way of family members. My wife likes to watch a popular daytime interview show, whose host I won’t mention by name. Anyhow Oprah tells her about all of the neat new products we should be using. I know, it sure makes life easier for all of us.

Now those of you who remember my article on ear candling (June 2002, it’s on the website) will appreciate what I’m about to tell you. Your nose is full of junk. Yes, your mom was right, so keep your finger out of there. The real best way to get stuff out of there is water. This is such a weird thing to tell you that I’m going to have to start a new paragraph.

OK, much better. It’s a simple concept. You take your ‘Neti pot,’ which looks like a little teapot. Fill it with warm water, salted if you like, and jam the spout up one nostril. Pour the water. It cleans out your sinus cavity then the water trickles out your other nostril…TADA!

For my next trick I will shine a flashlight in one ear and the light will come out the other ear! But the crazy thing is that it works. I must say it’s quite the sensation. I could breathe freely through my nose, once I removed the spout, and slept without snoring that night. That’s a double bonus, not for me, but for my wife. Frankly, I don’t hear my snoring.

So I’m thinking that since my wife has performed hygienic rituals on me using fire (ear candling) and water (nose candling) that still leaves the remaining two elements – air and earth. So next I believe she’ll be throwing me into a wind tunnel to rid me of my back hair and then immersing me in a giant mud pack to refine my hide. I guess I should be thankful there are only four basic elements. I wish melted cheese was an element. Now that’s a therapy I’m willing to try, unless it involves the nostril.

Now that I can breathe freely and my thoughts are straight, why don’t we men ask Oprah to do shows on how to give your husband a neck rub or how to set up the perfect surround sound system? These are the shows that would really help out the general public. I would do a show myself but I’m way too busy working on the Iguanaduffel® (www.iguanaduffel.com coming soon!).