by Dave Ellis

My wife doesn’t watch much television. So when she finds a show she likes, I run with it to get some quality couch sitting time with her. Yes I’m that lazy, I will watch a show that doesn’t interest me as long as I can sit down while doing it. Oh, and be with my wife.

A few months ago a close friend (Oprah) told her to watch a show called Man vs. Wild. She listens to Oprah so she started watching it. (Incidentally, Oprah if you are reading this please let her know I would like chicken and rice this Sunday. Thanks.)

First off, it is a cool show. This guy gets dropped off, by helicopter mind you, in some of the worst environments in the world and he shows you how to survive with a knife and your wits.

If I was him I would fire my travel agent. I get roughly two weeks off a year and if I found myself on a dormant volcano in Iceland…well I don’t think I could make lemonade out of them lemons. This dude then spends the next few days surviving until he can get back to normal surroundings. Kind of like what we all do when the in-laws visit.

The best part of the show is how he finds food. He basically takes the most disgusting, inedible, vile creature in his surroundings, then eats its ugly sister.

I’ve seen this guy chew up a live frog and swallow it, and this was outside a grocery store. OK, just kidding about the grocery store, but I really did see him eat a live frog…and maggots, and raw raven eggs and even a poor little turtle. If this guy ever comes to visit, I’d say hide the pets in the garage.

Now here is the kicker: my wife is impressed with his survival skills. First, as a man I automatically feel threatened. I’ve never heard my wife ever say she was impressed with my survival skills and I’m pretty sure I’ve swallowed a frog or two in my lifetime, unbeknownst to me. I should learn to chew better. Second, I eat far more disgusting things at the corner convenience store (chili-cheese dog) on a daily basis to survive and my wife is never impressed by that. In fact, she’s a little disgusted.

I also realize that I practice survival skills daily at my office and I get zero credit for it. So I’m going to give up my best-kept secrets to prove to my wife that I’ve got skills. Here they are:

Tip #1 – Never shave when angry. Not work related, just good advice.

Tip #2 – Follow the patterns of nature. Rivers don’t go up over mountains, they meander downhill, carving out their path while providing a means of sustenance and beauty. Basically I’m saying use the elevator; a river would never use the stairs.

Tip #3 – As a people, Latter-day Saints show our love to each other not in word, but in food. So if you want some good food (technically bad-for-you food) like brownies, just announce to everyone that you are on a diet. The communal guilt of having failed their diets will force them to bake for you. If needs be, bring in some realistic plastic fruit to show you are serious about your diet; they in good conscience will never let you succeed. (Insert crabs in bucket metaphor here.)

Tip #4 – Keep extra condiment packets handy for potlucks. That way you can be a contributor and therefore a partaker. Arrange them on a tray so it looks like you took the time and effort to care.

These tips should help you succeed at your place of work until you find civilization again. Hopefully when you get there it has a drive-thru.