By Dave Ellis

I recently took a business trip via airplane. I can say ‘via’ because it sounds so continental, much like the breakfast I ate at the hotel. More on that later. I used to love to fly, pre 9/11 and post smoking allowed in cabins. That was a wonderful slice of time to fly, smoke free with fingernail clippers. Now I am totally paranoid that something bad is going to happen, and not in the ‘they are out of honey-roasted peanuts’ kind of way.

The concept of commercial flight still boggles my mind. Just the idea of metal rocketing through the air being guided by pilots that really aren’t that much older than me is scary enough. Throw in some turbulence and that’s about enough. Just think, if there was a road that had turbulence (bumps) the city fixes it most of the time or one hundred percent of the time if it’s election season.

The air is full of bumps, which is weird because, well it’s AIR. I hardly ever hit turbulence when I’m walking around, if you don’t count what’s going on in my stomach.
Imagine walking along with some friends and all of a sudden you all are thrown up in the air and bounced around for a few minutes until you can gain altitude. So I demand that the airlines fix the air.

Once my flight was over I had the joy of staying in a hotel room. Now mind you, I was lucky enough that my company put me in a great hotel. But no matter where you stay, the lobby is always nicer than the room. Which is why I shave and iron my clothes down there. It really makes you feel fancy, everyone calling you sir, as in “SIR! Please do that in your room!” to which I reply “I don’t have marble columns in my room, nor a fireplace.” They never have a verbal rebuttal, the police even agree with me on that. By the way, the front of a police station is much nicer than the jail.

My next complaint about travel is the food. If you know me, and I think you do, I love to eat. I get a little giddy about trying out a chain restaurant in a new city…wow, look at that; just as mediocre as home! Honestly I find myself getting tired of eating at restaurants. At my last stay the breakfast was not continental after all, but it was buffet style which I do so love.

I immediately surveyed the tables; they had all kinds of fancy foods that I’ve seen people in movies have at breakfast – cheese, strawberries, forks, napkins. I was really impressed! I immediately loaded my plate(s) and walked back to the table. It really was top notch, until the bill came. Twenty-four dollars…and I was alone! I have never even spent that much at breakfast for my family of seven!

So I did the reasonable thing, I went back for more. I was going to get my money’s worth. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had bacon topped with hunks of bleu cheese but it is wonderful. You should also try the strawberry-bacon-brie on croissant, patent pending.

The return trip was pretty uneventful until we hit some more turbulence. Our plane did an actual fishtail in mid-air. We dropped and slid to the right at the same time. I felt bacon and bleu cheese in my throat at the same time. After a quick prayer and lots of promises we landed safely and I am free from travel for another month. Maybe they will have the air smoothed out by then.