by Tina Scott

The New Year is here, and with it, the call to reform. I’m talking about New Year’s Resolutions. I have never made many resolutions. I was under the mistaken notion that since I went to church every week, fulfilled my calling, read my scriptures, and honored the Sabbath, I was doing all Heavenly Father required of me.

However, this past year, I’ve become increasingly alarmed at how easily Satan’s handiwork spreads through families by way of contention. Satan has been a part of my life, via family contention, for way too long, and now more than ever, I’m ready to banish his influence from my life.

My sisters and I spent the years between our mother’s death and our father’s death in bitter conflict. I was stressed out from taking care of a parent with Alzheimer’s, and dealing with the feelings of an aging parent whose only love was dying. During this time, my sisters had stepped on my toes emotionally, plus they didn’t offer support in the way I felt they should.

It hurt my feelings. I felt a need to vent and to let them know how they were making me feel. The problem is, whenever I shared my feelings, it cut to the core of their feelings.
Thus it went for several years until our brothers were also involved.

My oldest brother finally said, “I don’t care how it started. This is not right. It’s not what our family is about and I want it to stop right now.” I thought that was good advice and wished my sisters would listen to him.

Our family, which used to be a model of love and kindness, crumbled all too easily under the influence of contention. The desire to share raw feelings in the attempt to gain mutual understanding almost destroyed my family. In retrospect, I think the advice to “turn the other cheek,” or “he that is offended is a fool,” are much more useful in keeping family unity. After all, our attitudes are the only ones we have control over.

I finally realized that while I can’t control others’ actions, I can and should control my own.
I must never say or do anything to cause harm or hurt feelings in another person. I love my sisters and I hated feeling like an outsider in my own family. So I determined to step back and not participate in further contention, which has been a learning curve in itself.

I have noticed that as I resolve not to say negative things to them, they respond in kind.
We’ve spent almost two years regaining family unity. It’s hard work. They still do and say things that hurt my feelings, and occasionally I still find myself spending too much time worrying about it. To keep the old anger from welling up, I remind myself that they love me and we’re just different rather than paying attention to their offense.

Will things ever return to the way we were before all the fighting? I’m not sure. But each year is a building block, and this year, I’m hoping to step it up a notch. Instead of just not saying anything to cause contention, I can say and do things that will bring joy to their lives. I can go the extra mile in bringing our family together - it’s what Heavenly family would want. Can I let go of my residual anger and let it happen? I hope so.

I only need to look to Nephi for my example. Laman and Lemuel were his older brothers and when they did terrible things to him, he forgave them promptly. In retrospect, I see his wisdom. I’ve spent years harboring feelings that neither built me up, nor brought me closer to the charity of heart that I have so desired.

When I find myself in a position to be offended, I’m happier when I remember the adage, “what would Jesus do?” The Savior himself was in a position to be offended for much of his life. When the masses spit on him, reviled, or even crucified him, did he respond with malice? No. He returned hate with love.

As I have confronted these deep issues, I’ve discovered that I am often the least charitable with those I love the most. But this is not the Lord’s way: “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar; for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” (1 John 4:20.)

I don’t want to be a liar, so I’m working to make this year different. I will make every endeavor to push contention out of my life. I’m going to step it up and be more charitable to my siblings. After all, I want my children to learn the same lesson about their own siblings!