By Dave Ellis

How many times have you said, “Why can’t I find a reliable monkey hair replacement system?” Now I’m not talking about replacing hair on a monkey, because that’s just crazy. I’m talking about wearing a little monkey on your head to cover a bald spot. I actually saw a guy doing this one day. I’m not sure he was trying to cover his bald spot but it sure did distract the eye. His pants could have been on fire and I wouldn’t have noticed because I was watching a monkey crawl around his head.

To be fair he probably wasn’t trying to cover a bald spot. That’s just me projecting my follicular troubles on him. Instead I’m betting it was some kind of pet. And what a pet! What nine year old boy doesn’t want a monkey? The only problem is that this guy was in his forties, so it really makes him kind of weird and creepy. Not to say people who own monkeys are weird and creepy but they are a step up from the people who wear parrots in public and a step below the guy who carries the giant lizard around in a duffel bag (see July 07 issue).

For all of the up-sides of monkey ownership there are serious down-sides. For instance a monkey can get stuff for you; they have two hands and a tail that can grip stuff! That is so cool! Not really. I see it more as, in Jeopardy! phrasing, “What are three food items I wouldn’t take from a monkey at the same time?” The other upside is that you don’t need a lot of accessories to have a monkey as a pet. You’d need small diapers, monkey chow, and bananas.
But you’d also need rabies shots for the monkey (and you) and probably some sort of flea collar, again for you and the monkey.

Monkeys wouldn’t be a good pet for my family; we’ve had a hiatus on pets ever since the great hermit crab scare of ’06. We rescued a pair from moving neighbors. Now that I look back I’m pretty sure they moved just so they could have an excuse to get rid of the hermit crabs. If you don’t have any experience with hermit crabs they are about as interesting as say, a pet rock. A pet rock that pinches you while you clean its stinky cage.

They are pretty stationary creatures, I watched them for hours as I watched the paint dry. But when the kids let them out they would burn rubber across the carpet! They also love to hide.
We lost them but we always found them, even the very last time we lost them. Dead hermit crabs emit an ocean smell, not the smell people name candle scents after, but the kind of smell the ocean should pardon itself for.

And that’s the inherent problem with pets; they eventually die and smell, but not always in that order. I have enough trouble keeping myself smelling reasonable and alive…why should I take on another creature? Some people get pets for companionship. I say why not find another person? That person might have a really nice TV and then your companionship problem is solved.

Although if you could train a monkey to retrieve the remote and bring you prepackaged snacks I believe you’d be set. I’ve got my little monkeys (kids) doing that for me and it’s great! They can’t do anything about my bald spot; in fact they caused it. Plus I know they will one day do something for me that no pet could ever do – move out…but visit again with their own little monkeys.