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Apr 2008 Issue
By Dave Ellis
It’s really no secret that I love to go to the grocery store, which really makes me different from most guys. In fact I prefer to shop, especially for the groceries and especially alone. Not that I don’t love my family, it’s just my kids ask for every item that they see. I know that this normal behavior has been going on for generations. It’s just that it’s different nowadays because it is annoying ME. People back in the day had more patience because they didn’t have microwaves.
Which brings up the how much shopping has changed: Thirty years ago you didn’t have to worry about germs at the grocery store. They just didn’t exist or were too busy starring in educational cartoon science filmstrips. I know because I saw them in the third grade and they were terrifying. How do I know there are germs at the grocery store now? Because the grocery store has wet wipes to disinfect the shopping cart. Disinfect the cart? Are they performing surgery in them during off hours? Maybe I should also cauterize the child-seat for good measure.
The other difference in shopping nowadays is that it is now an experience for the kids. They just don’t ride in a shopping cart anymore; they get to ride in a police car or fire truck. Some of the stores even play videos inside the cart for the kids while you are shopping. We never had that growing up! The only thrill we got was in hoping that our mom didn’t hit us in the Achilles tendon when we hopped off the cart unannounced. We got bonus points if we found a rogue grape on the ground.
A lot has changed at the grocery store over the last generation. Mostly as a nation we have become lazy. Especially me. But I have my limits. I was in a grocery store the other day and saw a product that made me wonder where, as a country, we had gone wrong.
It was frozen prepackaged peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Seriously folks, do you really have such limited time that you can’t make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? It’s not like you have to work off of a recipe or find special utensils. It’s three easy steps.
1. Open peanut butter and jelly
2. Wipe it on bread
3. Put a piece of bread in the palm of each hand
(sticky side up!) and clap once
The store even sells jars of peanut butter and jelly mixed for those who have a hard time with opening two jars. You don’t even have to use a knife in the jar if you fold the bread just right.
I bet you could make a sandwich faster than getting the box of pre-made sandwiches out of the freezer and unwrapped.
In fact, here are the instructions from the company web site on how to prepare their sandwiches. (By the way, these are the real instructions! I normally have to tell people when I’m serious because I joke/stretch the truth a lot):
• Keep sandwiches frozen until ready to eat
• Thaw 30-60 minutes at room temperature
• Eat within 8-10 hours of defrosting for best flavor
Hah! It takes 30-60 minutes for the sandwiches to come to room temperature. I could make a stack of regular PBJ sandwiches, eat them all and regret over-eating long before one of those sandwiches comes to room temperature. Also, since when is letting a sandwich thaw considered ‘preparing’ food. How is unwrapping something preparing it? If so, I prepare dollar hamburgers on a daily basis. It’s a lot of hard work so I reward myself with a milk shake, which coincidentally never makes it to room temperature.
