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May 2008 Issue
By Dave Ellis
If you know me (and if you don’t, you can for three easy payments), you know that I don’t have any hair on my head. This is by choice: I started shaving my head during the great follicle relocation era. That was when the hair on my head suddenly disappeared, then after much searching, was found on my back. So I did what any sensible guy would do. If I am balding then I might as well be bald.
I have spoken about this on numerous occasions but have failed to relate one important note about being bald. Some might even call it a blessing: the fact that I will never have to worry about my hair turning gray.
When I was younger I never thought about my hair turning gray. This is something that happens to older people, in their thirties. Now that I am in my thirties I don’t see myself as old, that’s for people in their forties, so I didn’t expect my hair to start to turn, although I did have some warnings.
I started noticing my similar-aged male friends’ hair getting the old salt and pepper look. At first I thought it was actually salt and pepper! Boy was I wrong, it was dandruff. But looking at my more hygienic friends I did see some change. That little bit of gray mixed in with their natural color. Just enough to make a man look distinguished and make a woman rush to her salon colorist.
I did not have to worry about graying hair as I carefully slide a sharp razor over my head every day to keep my clean bowling ball look. But I do have one Achilles’ heel, I have a goatee. I grew a goatee for the purpose of breaking up all of the flesh coloring on my face. If I don’t have a goatee I basically look like a giant thumb.
So the other day I was picking lunch shrapnel out of my goatee and I found a white hair. At first I thought it was bad lighting so I went into the bathroom and turned out all the lights. It was gone! But when I turned the lights back on it returned, as did my weight. My smell remained constant during the entire experiment.
So what caused me, the young virile guy to get a white hair? Was it my kids or was it my kids? I’m thinking it was my kids. They caused this as I did to my parents. The tradition of prematurely aging your parents has been handed down from generation to generation. This tradition doesn’t benefit anyone except the Grecian Formula people.
Which brings me back to my current dilemma, what should I do about my single white hair?
Should I color it? Am I so (burp) vain? Nope. Should I shave it off? Nope, that would only temporarily hinder my progression into the next stage of my life. So I plucked it. That way it would really hurt and I could make an example of out it to the other hairs. If they want to turn white then I’ll be ripping them out too. If that doesn’t reverse aging I don’t know what will.
