by Dave Ellis

My wife wants a goat. It took a lot of courage for me to say that. She would like to have a living, breathing, garbage-disposal-of-an-animal walking around our backyard. She thinks that we would be able to milk it and use the milk for cheese and, well, milk. I told her if she waits long enough, historically speaking, I will turn into an old goat. I’ve even shown her pictures of my grandfather for proof. She still wants a four-legged one.

My only saving grace is that our HOA won’t allow one. Not much of a complaint here, I probably won’t fight the barnyard animal restrictions in the codes. If we did have a goat though, I would finally have an excuse to buy goat chow. I’ve always wondered what it tastes like (don’t be grossed out, I would only smell it). I imagine there’s a hint of tin can and socks, if cartoons have been honest with me.

The main purpose of a goat is to get the milk. Now I don’t know if you’ve been to the supermarket lately but goat milk is making a comeback. There are a lot of sick people out there! Sick of cow’s milk that is!

See, a lot of people are allergic to cow’s milk, so they try alternatives like soy milk, which tastes like someone took a mealy bean and blended it with water. That’s actually how they make it. If we were meant to have soy milk, soy beans would have udders. Now, goats have udders, but they don’t have the cute factor. And cuteness plays into it. You don’t see folksy wood crafts in the form of goats in people’s kitchens.

One more thing, they stink. And not just the ordinary “Hi, I’m home from the weeklong Scout Camp” stink. They stink like a wet dog that smells like a wet goat. Wrap your head around that one.

As far as usefulness goes, they are too small to ride but too big to put in a dog crate. They don’t have a pleasing purr like a cat or useful bark like a dog. They ‘bah’ at you, with vibrato though, so that’s kind of classy. On the plus side, they have a little beard or ‘goatee’ just like me, so that’s a tick in the ‘pro’ column.

OK, enough goat bashing. They do have good qualities as well. In fact I’ve been brainstorming ways to really utilize a goat if we ever got one. Here is my ULTIMATE LIST FOR GETTING THE MOST OUT OF YOUR GOAT! (That’s the working title, the expected title is: “Goats for Dummies and Buffoons.”)

1. Goats will eat anything, even your mother-in-law’s tuna casserole. Use the goat to spare the landfills your kitchen scraps or to help clean up a Superfund site. Yucca Mountain anyone?

2. A goat can fill a role in your live Nativity Pageant. You can then box it up until next year (don’t forget the air holes).

3. Goat cheese is really good. Teach your goat how to make it.

4. If you are more of a downer-type person, goats can reaffirm your negative comments with their ‘bah!’ Which is also useful at Christmas, just yell ‘humbug!’ after each ‘bah.’

Who knows– if we ever get a goat, my wife could fall back to the plan where I’m eventually called “Old Man Ellis, that old goat.” And when that day comes I hope the HOA lets me stay, along with my goat chow.