By Dave Ellis

There are certain cultural traits that we as members of the Church share. I would like to talk about one
of my favorites, no, not farm animal wood crafts in the kitchen, but crock pot cooking. I like to call it ‘crock pot’ because slow cooking seems to reflect poorly on the chef. “He’s a slow cooker” they say, slowly shaking their heads. I like to think that crock pot cooking isn’t so much about the slow but more about having patience; and since patience is a virtue it’s like two birds with one stone, which is delicious – so full circle once again!

The whole purpose of a crock pot is that you can leave the food alone and it magically tastes good at the end. This might be considered a lazy approach to cooking but I want to counter with a “yeah” and a “so?” It is the lazy way to cook: you throw stuff in, twist a knob and bam! it’s done…twelve hours later.

But the beautiful part of the cooking is that the flavors meld together, never to be cast asunder (sorry, I was watching British shows on PBS). So crock pot cooking is very forgiving to the chef, so it’s kind of the Bell Curve of cooking methods. One ingredient may outshine the others, but that doesn’t matter because cooking them all to death mellows them out.

Crock pots really shine on Fast Sunday. You put in a flavorless hunk of meat with some vegetables and walk out of the house without any discernable smells. Hours later you come back home to a waft of aromatic delights! (In the business we call this a ‘nose blitz’) You come out the hero for doing hardly anything!

Since crock pots look harmless, most people take safety for granted. Crock pots actually get pretty warm. If you are ever warmed by one get to the faucet immediately and put lukewarm water on your skin and the sensation should change slightly. Also, they can be quite heavy when they are full of food, just like me! So if the crock pot is too heavy, have your wife carry it, just like me!

All this talk has made me hungry, twelve hours from now. So let’s get started on our recipe:

1. Take a piece of meat that has no hope, like the Broncos. Sear it in a hot pan so it is browned and will give off the appearance that it was really cooked when it’s done.

2. Turn your crock pot to low; this setting will raise the temperature of the meat to modestly cook it. It won’t kill the bacteria living there but will probably make them really mad.

3. Stack loads of vegetables into the pot in a nice layered effect as supporting structures for the meat. Now take the vegetables back out and wash them, cause that’s just good hygiene.

4. Once your support beams (carrots and onions) are in place, try to put the meat in the pot. You can’t, can you? Alright, cut off the edges and try again. Round peg, round hole.

5. Put the lid on and walk away slowly. That meat you just wedged in there is going to create some pressure and will eventually explode. This explosion will actually help the cooking process.

6. Serve!

You may want to try some garnish or ‘nature’s whiteout’ on your creation. This masks the taste and if you use an entire palm fan, it can actually hide the food too. But don’t be embarrassed if it turns out badly, just tell everyone it’s ‘slow cooking’ and they will all nod their heads knowingly. Buon’Appetito!