By Lynn Van Landschoot
When is the last time you referred to someone as “charming?” As in, “My but that Mary Jones is a charming woman, isn’t she?”

Have you ever seen chivalry in action? “I don’t think I have, what is it?”

“Fascinating Womanhood” was a class I attended in 1967 but found it soon to be outdated by extremes in feminism. F.W. became so unpopular that I threw my book away!

Can you imagine how shocked I was when my grown son told me that my 42 year marriage was “old school?” I wondered, “What is ‘new school?’”

I fear cultural standards that once stood the test of time and served us well are now thought of as uninformed and outdated theories… ‘Old school’ I suppose. How sad. “But wait!” as Billy
Mays would say in his commercial for mighty putty, “I have a story for you!”

Attending a Fourth of July picnic in the mountains of Southern Utah some time ago, I noticed one guest who didn’t seem to fit in with the group. There were couples in their sixties, couples in their early forties and about 8 little children. Jim was 25 and seemed out of place. He talked to no one. I felt empathy for him and made a point of visiting with him. I asked him questions about himself.

The First and Second Rules of Charm are: Forget yourself and be responsible for another person’s happiness in social situations.
I asked Jim what he liked to do in his spare time. “Skate boarding” he replied, with just those two words, no more. So, I pressed further. “Where do you go to skate board?” He told me briefly the names of the parks and said that he skateboarded everywhere because it was cheaper than driving.

I asked him about his employment. Where did he work? Did he like his job? He answered my questions with short responses. Then there was a long, awkward pause in our conversation. He started to eat Fritos to fill the uncomfortable void.

I’m 62 years of age and discussing skateboarding is a stretch for me; but I tried. I thought I might teach him something. So I asked,
“Do you want to ask me anything about me?” To which he replied emphatically with certain disregard, “No!”

I just smiled at him thinking, ‘it’s okay, I understand.’

Then rather quickly he said, “Okay, yeah, I’ll ask you something.
Did you ever work?” To which I replied with a little too much answer. “Yes,” I said, “I worked for an attorney who represented architects in hotel fire litigation.” Then I rattled off the names of the 4 major law suits I was associated with during those years, thinking he may have heard of them and that would spur on our conversation.

He looked at me with a disgusted, blank stare and said, “I didn’t understand one thing you just said.”

“Oh, okay,” I said, “I worked for an attorney for 13 years.” Then I let it go. “That didn’t go well,” I thought to myself. It didn’t matter, I had tried.

Well, by this time someone called out that the food was ready and we went to get our burgers and salad. I didn’t see him again that evening because we left quickly after eating to secure good spots for the fireworks.

Almost a year passed before I happened to run into Jim again at a convenience store in the mountains. We were surprised to see each other and said our hellos. He smiled happily, gave me a big hug, and kissed me on the cheek. Wow, I wasn’t expecting that! We chatted about what we were doing in the mountains and quickly went our separate ways. I went away thinking he had treated me nicely and I was pleasantly surprised and pleased. I also thought that the First and Second rules of charm had worked, even though I thought I failed with Jim.

Then when I got back home, I received an email from Jim’s step-mother who told me that Jim loved me. I knew he didn’t romantically love me, but he liked me a lot because I took the time to be interested in him. I was responsible for his happiness at that
Fourth of July picnic. And it meant a lot to him.

So, are the theories of Charm “old school?” I’ve always liked antiques!