by Dave Ellis
Last week my five year old daughter beat me at boxing. No, we didn’t box in real life (hopefully I would have the weight advantage there). We boxed on our video game system, the Wii. Unless you’ve been sequestered for the past three years by now everyone should know what a Wii is.

It really is a fun system; there are lots of games that get you physically involved while playing. Here’s the problem, I don’t want to get physically involved, that’s why I’m playing a video game. Which brings us back to how my five year old beat me at boxing.
It’s simple; she wanted it more.

Now at the risk of sounding old (and cliché) the games kids play now are very different than when I grew up back in the olden days of the 1980’s. We only had one controller that would go up, down, left and right. We had two buttons, one to make your character jump, the other to punch – very simple. These new games require physical motion.

They also have such a variety games. I even saw a chef video game with a spatula and frying pan controller so you can virtually cook! We already have a game like this, it’s called making food and the graphics are amazingly life-like!

My wife has agreed that with this game system at least the kids are up and moving around. It’s cool that you can play tennis and get tennis elbow in the comfort of your own home. My wife did this: after playing tennis and bowling her arm and back both hurt the next day. I should point out that I too was hurt: while playing the bowling game I accidentally dropped a virtual bowling ball on my foot, but it had virtually no effect.

I’m still on the fence as to whether these games are good for the kids. The real problem lies in the fact that I’m no longer good at video games. I try and try and my kids still beat me. I can’t blame them, I’ve been teasing them for years, and this is their way of getting back at me.

I play my son in a game where cartoon characters duke it out while bright flashing lights and loud noises disrupt the senses. He wins most of the time because I have no idea how to play the game. I’m like a confused old man who accidentally walks into a disco and gets scared.

The characters are really confusing. How can a yellow hamster fight a plumber? The two times that I did win the game I still was confused as to how I won. I tried to duplicate my moves but I couldn’t get the plumber to properly fire the purple crystal mystic crossbow. I’m still confused.

So it comes down to this: should I keep this game system that blatantly exploits my weakening reflexes and aversion to bright lights and loud noises? As their father I have a few years before they turn into teenagers and on their own discover my weakening reflexes and aversion to bright lights and loud noises. On the other hand this summer when it is 115 degrees out and the kids are bored this could bring some relief to the wife.

So I will keep the system but I hope my wife understands that I will need to practice during all of my free time to catch up to the kids’ skill level. So while the garage is still a wreck please know that it’s for a good cause. I will regain my video game manhood by finally defeating the yellow hamster. I know she’ll understand.