Truth and Consequences

Mar 2009 Issue

By LaRae Free Kerr
Four brothers inherited a business from their father, which then failed, due to a vice of one of the brothers. This brother withdrew from the family, and his descendants didn’t even know of their relatives in the same city. When a modern descendant contacted a descendant of one of the other brothers, the cousin left out the “falling out” part of the story. The reader telling this tale then asked, “I’m wondering a) if I should have (left it out), and b) whether I should approach any member of the “estranged” branch of the family to see if they would like a gentle account of the story.”(This story has been changed to protect privacy.)

These are essential genealogy and family history questions which must be faced by researchers. Before I present my long-lived take on them, I’d like to present several additional stories, all modified to some degree to protect privacy.

While gathering information about descendants of a pioneer, one reader was told, rather forcefully, that she was not to contact a certain family which lived across the country. Why? Because when the will had been read, and the estate distributed, this family had been left out completely.

Most families have one or more children born less than nine months after the
marriage. Dates may have been changed to accommodate this circumstance.
For example, the child’s christening or baptism date may be used for his birth date, or the parents may claim their marriage took place the year before it actually did. In a similar situation, one family member insisted that an unwed mother and her children be left out of the family history book altogether.

As a result of these and other experiences I want to say two things. First, you will find uncomfortable events in your family history. Record your family history anyway. Family history is infinitely more important than any of the crazy and sometimes passionate things people do.

Young people who are reading this column will be asking what the fuss is all about. But older generations “protected” the good names of their relatives no matter what. So, dear readers, loosen up. Be prepared to accept whatever you find, whether it be mule thieves, murderers or the victim of murderers, imprisonment, treachery, transportees or slaves, madams or drunks. By the way, I am related to all of the above, but it takes over four hundred years to get them all in. The great majority of my relatives are salt of the earth, steady and true, faithful and strong, funny and musical.

So having reminded you that you will have odd things in your family history and that the best approach is to be curious about your people rather than judgmental, I will attempt to answer the questions posed by the wise submitter of the first story.

First and foremost, always tell the truth and include documentation – on the family group record and pedigree chart, on the website, in the family history or biography. Tell it gently and briefly at times, but always tell the truth.

This means there must be at least one document supporting the conclusion.
Be sure each event has the source clearly referenced. In the case of the story of the four brothers, the researcher’s father is the source of this event. His biography or memoir or oral interview should be cited as the source. But there will be other records supporting this falling out, such as bankruptcy records, deeds showing the sale of the business to someone else, the probate of the father, just for starters. There may be newspaper articles about the business. If nothing else, a comparison of the worth and occupation of each brother in the censuses just before and after the business failure will provide significant clues as to whether it occurred or not.

Now, this is why you must tell the truth: without the truth, other parts of the family story will be incorrect or unexplainable. One error multiplies others.
Can you imagine the alienation the descendants of the unwed mother mentioned above would feel if she and her children were not included in the family history? That would be the true shame. When parents change their marriage year to accommodate an early baby, it skews military, graduation and employment dates, for example.

In the case of the four brothers, knowing the truth about the situation answers questions such as: why didn’t I get a chance to meet my cousins? Why didn’t my grandparents want to know me? Knowing the truth bridges the gap between generations who have fallen out.

Now, after saying all of this, I want to add, researchers don’t need to rub people’s faces in their relatives’ mistakes. Such precious information can be treated gently. In the case of the family cheated of their inheritance, the family was included in the family history, listed in the same format as everyone else, as was the unwed mother and her children.

Another reason for telling the truth, probably more important than any other, is that knowing what mischief our relatives are capable of and even inclined towards, can help us choose better directions for our lives. But if all we encounter are lies, we may find ourselves with no defenses.
In every case, both the perpetrator and the family would be hurt by untruths.
Still, each truth can be presented gently and briefly.

LaRae Free Kerr, M ED, can be reached at itsallrelatives@sfcn.org and www.itsallrelatives.net.