By Lu Ann Brobst Staheli
Growing up, I had a mother who did everything. She cooked, she cleaned, she made all my clothes. She took care of my older siblings, and eventually helped with their children. In addition, she crocheted gifts for people, took care of my elderly grandparents as well as other family members who fell into ill health, and still worked full time at my father’s store.

She worked from early in the morning until late at night, making sure everyone’s needs were taken care of. But sometimes she forgot to take care of her own needs. Although she never openly complained, I sensed that sometimes she wasn’t happy.

As I came into my own adulthood, I began to realize that being a mother requires a fine sense of balance between giving all of your energy to others and taking care of yourself.

Because my mother gave so much of herself, I can’t help but wonder if she wasn’t all used up and that’s why she died at a relatively young age of seventy-nine. Her energy gone, and after the passing of my father and with my upcoming marriage, she had no one left who depended on her, and she had never learned to pamper herself.

If only my mother had learned to care for herself like she cared for others.

I’m sure that you know people like her, who willingly give of themselves to others. I also imagine it’s likely that you know others who suffer the pains of martyrdom, making sure that everyone knows just how much they give, although their willingness is often a question.

They complain there is never enough time for them to do all that they would like to do, and scoff at others who seem to take too much time for themselves, in the martyr’s opinion. They wear their sacrifice like a crown of glory, and expect the world to honor them for all they do. And when that doesn’t happen, they often become angry or depressed because they feel so under-appreciated.

Of course, on the other end of the scale is the person who appears to care only for themselves, perhaps to the point of being selfish, never realizing that others might benefit from the things they could bring into that person’s life, if only they were willing. They are certainly not martyrs, but they lack the same balance of joy as their counterpart because they don’t learn to serve.

So where can we find the balance that allows us to serve, yet nurture ourselves in a way that enriches our lives, and may even prolong it? Medical experts recommend three simple steps that will turn you from a martyr into a mentor for your family and friends.

Take Care of Yourself First

Just like you are told by the stewardess during preflight instructions, look after yourself before you place that oxygen mask on the child. If you aren’t healthy and happy, then how do you expect those around you to be? Exercise your body and your mind by spending a little time for yourself every day.

Don’t help too much

Teach others the skills they need to meet their own needs. You don’t have to do it all for them. Young children can learn to pick up after themselves, pour a bowl of cereal for a snack, and collect their clothes to come to the laundry. Teenagers can learn to wash and care for their own clothes, run errands for the benefit of the family, and even help to cook meals. Participating in these activities is a good training for them before they leave for school, missions, or homes of their own.

Don’t do it alone

Children, spouse, extended family, and good neighbors can all be there to assist us in times of stress, illness, and most often during the day-to-day process. Whether it be a special need or just for friendship, neighbors and friends from church can enrich our lives, helping us keep the balance our souls so crave.

May I suggest one more piece of advice in keeping with the spirit of the message delivered in the April General Conference by Elder Dallin H. Oaks: find ways to serve others that will not take away from your own family and personal needs, but that allow you to feel better about yourself because you can serve with a heart full of love. You can be the good neighbor, the member from church who steps in to assist when others have such a need.

In keeping our own balance, we not only take care of ourselves, but we also become the mentor who teaches others within our family and the community how to have a rich and fulfilled life because we are willing to serve not only others, but also ourselves.