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May 2009 Issue
[photopress:Nose_509.jpg,thumb,pp_style]By Dave Ellis
I smell…(pause)…with my nose. I hope you didn’t think that I smell, even though I do, with my nose. Glad I cleared that up. I realize that last month I spoke about sneezing, so for the record, I won’t make this a monthly nose article. But please indulge me this month.
First off, I have a big nose. I want to tell you about my experience growing up with a big nose. If it seems I always dive into the past in my articles it’s only because I haven’t been able to predict the future yet. Once I do you will know because I will be filthy rich and even more awesome.
Growing up with a big nose was a challenge, but luckily my siblings were there to be supportive of people that wrote jokes about big noses. Yes, they made fun of me, but I guess you would expect that out of people who have small and ugly pug noses. My friend Steve had it worse, his older brother asked him, “Would you rather have a million dollars or a nose full of nickels?” I never heard the final answer to the question.
I never pointed out my siblings’ pug noses because it’s not their fault, it’s hereditary. Just like my Williams nose. My Mom passed my nose down to me (I’m still the original owner!) from her side of the family. She also threw in the Williams high forehead (or a five-head as we call it in the business) and Williams ineptitude on the dance floor. Not to say that all the Williams’ have big noses, but I think I was served a double portion.
Now you might look at me and say “Dave, you don’t have a big nose, it fits just fine with your fat face.” I first thank you for your honesty and remind you that when I do get skinny (I’m starting a diet on Monday) my nose won’t lose that much weight. In fact, I understand that as I get old my nose will only keep growing, along with my ears. I’ll need some type of support garment by then, which I will patent and sell online.
It’s seems that I only have negative things to say about having a large nose, but there is a upside to a big honker…
Sorry, couldn’t think of one.
Oh! Got it, I can smell things that no one else can, like if Superman had a nasally deformed cousin. The
other day at work I sniffed out a burning smell from across the building that other people couldn’t even smell at first! I pinpointed that smell and saved some lives, probably. Maybe I should wear a red cape on my nose.
My other talents include being able to tell when foods have expired, except for buttermilk; it always smells like it’s expired. I can also make loud exasperated sounds by exhaling through my nose, audibly showing people how dissatisfied I am.
Maybe I could turn that nasal talent into a business! I could rent out my smelling services (both types) to people. I could call the business “I Nose what Smells” with the slogan “If you need some smelling, please pick my nose.” Please keep me in mind for your next formal event.
So I’m quite proud of my Aquiline nose (look it up!). Next time you see me I’d be happy to give you the tour and I’ll only charge you a nickel.
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