By Dave Ellis
One of my duties as World’s Greatest Husband (title legal in 37 states) is to bathe the kids. I don’t know who I ticked off to earn this duty (probably my wife) but it is not easy. Bathing kids is on the same level as bathing cats. Both involve hissing, hairballs and scratching.

I honorably do my duty, though, because kids stink. No offense to them, I stink too but I’m required by work to shower daily (thanks HR). The problem with kids is they don’t respect their HR department (me) and never want to get in the tub, even though they wear swim suits all day, and we don’t even own a pool! 

I can see now why so many people do own pools. It’s like having an all day bath where the kids want to get in. The hot tub even plays its part, it’s a pre-soak for those stubborn stains. Kids don’t even realize they are getting clean while having fun – which is why we let our kids run in the sprinklers at the park. It’s the frugal way to have a bath. We do other frugal things too like having a ‘free samples dinner’ at the warehouse club or getting our hands washed for free by the neighborhood dog.

We could use the methods of our pioneer forefathers. You are in luck, I have a PhD in pioneer humanities from an online university that specializes in watching Little House on the Prairie reruns. My minor is in infomercials.
Whenever the pioneers felt the need to bathe they would have to haul buckets of water into the old bear claw. Speaking of bear claws, they would also get clawed by bears as they were gathering the water. Sometimes they’d make it, sometimes not. Either way the problem is solved.

Bath time has sure evolved over the years and I’ve found my own ways to improve on the process. Since you know I’m a list person, I give you my ULTIMATE GUIDE TO BATHING KIDS RIGHT!

1 Make sure to use tub toys. I first started with simple
toys to entice them in, but as they’ve gotten older I need more sophisticated games, like a Wii.

2Use a combined shampoo and condition. Using the
combined bottle helps save time, not for you but for the kids when they eventually dump it out into the water.

3If bathing more than one kid use the assembly line
method. I line the kids up and send them through the assembly working piecemeal. It really speeds up the process. Ford would be proud. The only time it didn’t work was last summer when the assembly line (me) unionized and refused to work weekends.
4Do not leave the room for one second. In fact don’t
even blink unnecessarily. This is for the safety reasons of course but it also has scientific applications as well. Water molecules are balanced between negative and positive charges. When the attending adult leaves (negative) it causes all of the water to end up on the bathroom floor. I’ve never seen this in action, I’ve only seen the aftermath. The kids are just as dumbfounded about how it happens too. Maybe one day we can find a cure for this.

One day I will miss the wet floors, piles of towels, toys all over the ground and empty bottles of bathroom products. I’m not sure why, but I will. For now I will enjoy that new kid smell every time I clean the old kid smell off of them.