By Dave Ellis
To do anything in this world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and shrinking of the cold and danger, but jump in, and scramble through as well as we can. – Sydney Smith  

The above quote really speaks to me lately. I have struggled with a goal. It seems insurmountable at times but I finally, through the heat of battle, overcame the odds. That’s right, I installed a child car seat.

If anything is worth doing, it’s worth doing right. So when I install a car seat I make sure that it is installed hardcore – TO THE MAX!!! I tighten that sucker down so it becomes part of the car frame. If that kid so much as leans in the seat it makes the car swerve. OK, maybe it’s not that tight, but
I do a good job. But doing a good job is not without a price.  

First, you have to prep the car. I normally do this by going to the store and getting a soda and candy bar, it warms the car up and makes me feel better. After I’m filled up with corn syrup goodness, I move the driver’s seat all the way forward to make room for the wrestling match that will take place in the back of the car.

Car seats are like wild horses. They don’t want to be all cooped up in back of the car. They want to run freely in the fields with the wind flapping through their seat belts. But they are here to serve a purpose, so they must be broken. That’s where my knee comes in.

After securing the seat belt I kneel right in the middle of the seat to pin it down. The problem is the seat belt is never the right length. Adjusting becomes a game of trial-and-error, me adjusting the clip, threading the belt through the back of the seat and…OH! Too short! Again…too long! At this point I feel like Goldilocks. Finally I hit the sweet spot and snap it in.  

Why do I bother ever unbuckling this beast if it is so hard to install? Two reasons, first the car seat gets really dirty over time and needs to be washed. Second the other kids unlatch it for me. They always claim it’s an accident, but I know better. There must be great amusement watching their old man fight a child seat, sweat pouring down onto my chocolate stained lips, veins pulsing in my giant forehead. Must be a great show.

Unbuckling the seat for cleaning is a necessary evil. Underneath the fabric and padding are little pockets that are somehow magnetized to collect food. Due to the extreme heat this food melts and then eventually sets like some kind of horrid gelatin mold. It’s even grosser looking than some of the gelatin molds I’ve seen at Ward potlucks. Sorry, but you know who you are.

Removing these mini globs takes specialized archeology tools and strategically placed explosives. Or I just use a butter knife—that works too.
I have to pry the edges up until it flips out of the pocket and onto the carpet.  

After a good wash the car seat fabric looks as good as new and I begin the struggle all over again. If it were up to me I would make a car that had built-in kids’ seats in the back.

Even better, I’d make pods like child-size egg cartons, that would end fighting between the kids and would also keep the trash corralled to each egg hold. Once the kids outgrow the cartons we buy another car. Now that would stimulate the economy! But probably not as much as my comforting soda and candy bar purchases.