By Dave Ellis
Last week I opened the fridge to find Thanksgiving leftovers rotting away and I got all excited: Christmas is almost here! I’m not saying that it’s the best alerting reminder for Christmas but maybe the first door on the Advent Calendar should have rotting Thanksgiving food. Just consider it.

My biggest reminder for Christmas is the stores. When they start putting the Christmas trees up next to the Halloween costumes I know Christmas is close. Or maybe it’s a secret sign to get ready for Easter, I’m not sure. Either way I’m ready for fireworks! I mean Christmas lights!

We have the tradition of taking the kids to see other people’s lights at Christmas. This gets them off of my back about decorating our house and gives them a chance to spill hot chocolate in my wife’s car.

I guess I could put lights up on my house but our homeowners insurance company is still mad about last year’s “accident.” I don’t know why they are mad, I was the one who had to fill out the paperwork to declare the land a Federal Superfund site. Cry babies.

I am amazed at the amount of lights and inflatable decorations that other people use. Where do you store all of that stuff in the off season? I barely have enough room on the roof eaves to keep the lights stored year round, so what do you do with an inflatable Santa riding a Harley once the season is officially over in February? I would convert it into a bounce house or make it a living room conversation piece.

We do take the kids to see lights. There are some homes that are so beautiful with their massive amounts of lights that I can’t help but think they are partially responsible for global warming. If not global, at least neighborhood warming. These guys put in hundreds of man-hours followed by hundreds of woman-hours of questions like, “Why are you doing this to our house?”

These women have a valid point. These are the same homes that have a leaky toilet that requires fifteen minutes of work but the men can’t find time for it. On the other hand they can spend three weekends in a row on cherry pickers confusing the local air traffic patterns.

Now if you’ve maxed out the amount of lights you can add to your house (pro tip – if you can use your electric meter as a weed wacker you’re in good shape) then you can always go the next step and put a radio transmitter and computer synchronized lights up.

The radio transmitter requires an FCC license so you can play music in people’s cars while they watch your lights dance to the rhythm. It’s pretty much the weirdo pinnacle of Christmas decorations, short of kidnapping elves and chaining them to your lawn.

Another highlight of the year is going to Sunset Park for the Festival of Lights. For those who don’t know, different companies sponsor huge light displays at the park. It’s like driving through a well done neighborhood but without the ugly houses. I also found you get a huge discount if you go during the day. The kids don’t like it that much but it’s still a lasting memory. Just kidding, we take them at night. It really is a fun way to kick off the holiday season and feel like your are stuck in a commercialized traffic jam in the North Pole.

With the holidays here I want to take a serious moment and wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a great New Year. Thank you for reading and thank you for sending less hate mail than last year.