Mopping up Guilt

Feb 2010 Issue

By Dave Ellis
My wife’s birthday was last month. I know, this is the first I’ve heard of it too. It’s not very fair to me when she tells me the day after and then acts all pouty about it. Of course I’m kidding. I was well aware of her birthday, I wore a string around my finger since January 2009 to remind me.
Nearly lost that finger over it, but it was worth it.

In case you don’t know, my wife is the editor of this magazine so technically she is my boss, here and in so many other places. So getting a gift for the boss might seem like I’m kissing up, but if I do get her gifts I literally get to kiss up (with her!) so it’s a win-win-lose. The ‘lose’ is for the kids, who have a chorus of ‘eww!’ when we kiss.

So what fabulous birthday gift did I get for my wife? A mop.

Now before you think I’m a terrible husband please know this – it’s a really nice mop. Oh, and that’s what she wanted. I asked her several times and she kept insisting she wanted a new mop, since the old one broke. I was surprised. The kids were surprised. The court stenographer I hired to document the event was surprised.

We are on this new ‘follow the budget’ kick and she wanted to keep the budget in check while getting something practical. This would seem like a trap to most guys but I saw where she was going. My wife likes practical, that’s why she married me. I don’t need a coat as I am self-insulated. I don’t use any shampoo as I am bald and I’m good at lifting stuff. Receiving a mop was the last piece of the puzzle.

OK, I did get her flowers and a half a candy bar (the other half was bruised so I ate it.) Plus I made homemade lasagna for her birthday dinner. Another win-win! But my son out did me in the gift department, although we all have benefited from his gift.

Last month my son went through a change. Right before his eighth birthday he discovered something that we all hoped he would one day find. He acquired remorse.

I couldn’t believe it: he actually felt sorry and guilty for things he was doing! His behavior didn’t change, mind you; but he felt sincerely bad about it!

I’ve read about boys having remorse but I never thought I’d actually see it. He used to go around like a whirlwind wrecking stuff (mostly MY stuff). I would call him on it and he would respond with a blank stare. But last month I told him he was tracking dirt in the house and he said ‘sorry’ and then guiltily looked at his shoes. At first I was wondering what his angle was, because I know how to give fake sorries. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that. See? I can do it all day!

But his guilt is genuine. I need to make sure that I’m using the new-found remorse for good and not for profit. Part of me wants to make him pay for broken stuff he shrugged off but I’m counting on his kids one day righting that wrong for me. I’m sure my gift bag of ball peen hammers will be a good start.

In the meantime I’d better go tie another string on my finger so I can be ready for my wife’s next birthday. Who knows what practical gift she might want – a broom? dustpan? a better husband? Scratch that last one. Either way she’ll be (wait for it) cleaning up in the gift department! I’m truly sorry about that last joke. Seriously. ;)