By Julie Wright
I don’t think boys realize that girls make lists. Not just any lists: important lists. We make lists of our friends, music we like, and most importantly what qualities we expect our future husbands to have before we agree to marry them. I had a list of my own, brimming with the perfections I expected my husband to possess.

It’s a lot to live up to . . . those lists. When I got married, there were several items I had to scratch off. He wasn’t 6’2’. He didn’t love dancing.

But somewhere after making the list, and before saying, “I do,” I received good advice on marriage. A young women’s leader asked us to make a list similar to the one I already possessed. The teacher then asked us to look over our papers and see if we had the qualities in ourselves that we required of our prospective husbands.

I had a few of them, but if someone were to have held me up against the list, I would have fallen short—a lot. The teacher then explained that instead of worrying about catching the perfect guy, we might want to try to be the perfect girl instead. Feeling a bit humbled and more than a bit grumpy, I agreed she was right.

She ended the lesson with, “Remember you cannot change the other person; you can only change yourself. So be the girl who will attract that guy who you will not need to change.” And she pointed to our lists.

I ended up dating several different people during high school and college. Some of them filled more items on my list than others, and all the while I was striving to be the girl worthy of the guy I imagined myself to want.

I dated one young man in particular who didn’t have many of the qualities on that paper written years before, but he was fun and I liked him. One day, I found myself standing before him—he was down on one knee with a ring box in his hand. Did I care about him? Absolutely. Would we have been a good match in a marriage? No.

But the situation taught me a valuable lesson. Caring about him wasn’t enough. There were too many things I wanted to change, too many things he wanted to change, and the power struggle would have caused unhappiness on both sides.

When you’re deciding to get married, it is the one time when you have the right to be selfish.
The decision to get married is important. Do not offer a ring because everyone expects it. Do not give a girl a ring just because all your friends, her friends, her family, and your family expect you to give her a ring. Do not accept a ring because someone got down on one knee and offered it to you or just because all your friends, his friends, his family, and your family expect
you to take that ring.

A “No” uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a “Yes” merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid the trouble of hurting the other person.
In many ways, that guy with the ring and I didn’t have the same goals in mind.

Once while on vacation, I wanted to go parasailing. I wanted to go more than anything, but no one wanted to go with me. Not wanting to go alone, I didn’t go at all. I gave up what I really wanted. If you choose a marriage partner who doesn’t want to go where you want to go, it’s easier for you to step back and not go at all. And by stepping back, it’s easy to become bitter and angry because you settled for something merely good when it could have been great.

I’m married now and have been for seventeen years. As I said before, there were some things I had to scratch off my list before I said, “I do.” I’m certain there were things he would have had to scratch off his list, if he’d had one. But the things we crossed off were trivial—like height and the desire to go dancing. We’ve improved on ourselves, but by our own choice. I’ve taken that leader’s advice seriously. I cannot change him, I can only change me.

So many people are trying to find their soul-mate, their one and only, their right person.
Looking for the right person is time well spent. But don’t forget to be the right person.