By Dave Ellis
My wife likes to surprise me. Normally I like surprises, like the time she washed my car or trimmed my toenails while I was sleeping. This time I knew it was going to be a less desirable surprise because she was already bargaining with me before she even told me what it was. 

She finally confessed that she made an appointment to lease a horse. I didn’t even know you could do that. Apparently people don’t like paying for what is a basically a giant dog that kicks really hard. So they have you share the burden by paying them to ride it and shovel manure.

This wasn’t a big shocker to me, my wife has always wanted a horse. If I didn’t object she would put one in our backyard today. I’ve already put the ixnay on having backyard goats (see my article from August 2008) due to size, noise and smell issues. Incidentally, that’s the same reason I’m not allowed in the backyard. When I said ‘no’ to goats I thought she would push for a smaller farm animal, like meat gerbils. Instead she opted to push for the horse only because bison are still protected.

I’m not opposed to horses, they are great animals. Problem is they eat. A lot. They also release said food after they are finished with it. A lot. This is good for the garden, to a degree. One wheelbarrow load of manure is beneficial. One wheelbarrow load a day gets you dis-invited to the neighborhood BBQ.

Also we mostly agreed that any new ‘pets’ would only be acceptable if they could be flushed when they are deceased. I don’t have the kind of money needed to build a toilet that big. Granted – it would be AWESOME! I could probably charge admission for people wanting to flush my huge bowl.

Her wanting a horse is my in-laws’ fault. You know how cute it is when a little girl asks for a pony? Well they thought it was adorable and gave her one. She started riding ponies and jumping over stuff, which is pretty rad, but not much of a useful job skill in the 21st century. The only bonus is that she has riding boots in case she ever wants to be a motorcycle cop.

Back to the lease. I decided to accompany her on the test drive of the horse. The lady was very nice, she didn’t even try to up-sell us on under coating, so I felt like we were getting a good deal. So my wife rode off while I sat there at the corral. Then it happened – I started to get all itchy. I have allergies to most pets and horses just made the list. Luckily I washed off and was OK.

My wife wasn’t so lucky. She returned from her ride with a bright red neck and hives all over her arms. The hives even had hives. My first inclination was happiness since I didn’t have to lease a horse. But then I felt bad for my wife as she loves riding so much. Maybe one day someone will breed a hairless horse so my wife can ride around like a reverse Lady Godiva. That’s my dream.

Until then I will keep taking her to the carousel. I know it’s not the same but at least she isn’t sneezing to death. Must be all the under coating.