by Krista Ralston Oakes
There is an aphorism that says, “Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a daddy.”

As a couple facing infertility, we took a slight exception to this, knowing that my husband was one man who couldn’t be a father in the way the proverb implies. But he was really good at D.A.D.: Developing the Attributes of Daddy.

Because infertility is often viewed as a woman’s problem, the husband’s role and reaction to this circumstance can often be overlooked. However, as “one flesh” (Moses 3:24, 1 Corinthians 6:16) we shared equally the challenges that attend the delay or deferment of righteous desires.

Women are often reminded that Eve was called the “mother of all living” before she bore a child (Moses 4:26). Likewise, Abraham’s calling as a father of many nations preceded the birth of his offspring (see Genesis 15). Abraham’s faith in this calling, despite his old age, was described by the apostle Paul:

“Who against hope believed in hope, that he might become the father of many nations, according to that which was spoken, So shall thy seed be. And being not weak in faith, he considered not his own body now dead, when he was about an hundred years old, neither yet the deadness of Sara’s womb: he staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; and being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform…”

My husband also “against hope believed in hope.” He remained strong in his faith that our righteous desires for children would ultimately be fulfilled, even if it would not be in the time and way that we planned. This faith enabled him to lead and bless our small family, which consisted of the two of us. As he did so, he developed the attributes of good priesthood and fatherhood, which included persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, pure knowledge, and charity (see D&C 121: 41-45).

The Lord was generous with opportunities for my husband to practice these attributes in our ward. Primary callings were extended, where he mastered the fine art of persuading even the rowdiest children to participate reverently and enjoy gospel learning. After several years we moved to a new city, and one of his former class members tracked us down and telephoned just to say, “Brother Oakes, I got a new set of scriptures!”

As the years progressed, he had opportunities to work with the young men. During this time, one young man in our ward lost his father to cancer. Shortly thereafter, a father/son activity revealed a mutual need among the son who no longer had a father around, and my husband who did not have a son. They decided to attend the activity together, cheerfully calling each other “Fake Dad” and “Fake Son,” and appreciating each other’s willingness to make positive use of their complementing circumstances.
Years later, this event remains a cherished memory. There were others whose fathers did not hold the priesthood, and my husband was happy to be a resource and a mentor to them as well.

In our home, time was devoted to the strengthening and preparation of our family of two, in anticipation of the blessings of children. We held family home evenings, family prayer, and family scripture study together. The priesthood was exercised in our home.
We attended the temple frequently. Although the Lord’s timetable for our family was unknown to us, we knew that a solid foundation would ultimately bless our posterity, whenever they would come.

The day finally arrived when our son was placed in our arms. His birthmother wanted our son to have a daddy who would teach him to respect women. His birthfather hoped that our son would have a daddy who would play sports with him. A few years later, our daughter was born. Her birthmother wanted our daughter to have a daddy who would teach her good values. My husband was ready to meet these expectations, as well as the expectations of our Heavenly Father, who prepared him in all things to love and lead our family that had grown with the addition of these two precious souls.
When they grew old enough to speak, each of our children uttered the same first word: “Dad!”