By Dave Ellis
Most Church callings require you to stretch your mind and lengthen your stride. But every so often you find a calling where you just fit right in. For me that calling is nursery. It’s where I really relate to the people I serve; they are all tired, hungry and miss their moms.

Nursery is reserved for children 18 months to 3 years. Anything younger is considered a minor-minor. I tried to get my oldest child into nursery at 16 months because she was so advanced — well, so advanced a runner that is. I chased her up and down the halls all during Gospel Doctrine, and I was the teacher! I couldn’t talk the primary president into bending the rules. I even tried forging a birth certificate, but she saw right through the crayon and glitter. I had to wait.

Once she made it in, she became part of the vast social/science experiment. You have the law of the jungle or ‘might is right,’ where a bigger kid takes a toy from a smaller kid, and then the biggest kid (me) hands the toy back to the smaller kid. You also have Newton’s law in effect: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. For instance, one child accidentally knocks over another, then that child then bounces around the room until they hit another child, and so on until everyone is crying. Physics at its best!

From watching these interactions I’ve categorized kids’ personalities in the following list.

Leg Clinger:This child holds onto the adults’ legs like they’re under water and the adult is the air tube. Do not let go of this child or pick them up too quickly, they might get the bends.

Bully:Most bullies are amateurs, they never go pro, and they’ll grow out of it. Don’t ever tell the parents their child is a bully. The second you do your child will probably hit theirs with a block. This is called irony.

Scanner:This child looks around the room every two seconds to make sure their mom/dad is still there. If the parent even looks at the door, this child loses it.

Town Crier:This child is a scanner whose parent finally left the room. They cry ‘mommy’ repeatedly.

Peer Pressured:This child hears the above child crying ‘mommy’ and decides to add her voice to the chorus. This is followed by a barbershop quartet of crying in close harmony.

Nursery is full of all kinds of drama! Have you ever seen a movie where the hero is rushing around looking for the ticking time bomb so he can diffuse it? This too happens in nursery, except the time bomb is a dirty diaper and I’m no hero. The bomb goes straight to the next of kin, after we track them down. I feel a little guilty handing off dirty diapers to someone else, but luckily I’ve had practice doing that to my wife at home. Once you find the parent they get called out of class and the conversation goes like this:

Me: I have some bad news for you. Your child is, well, stinky.

Them: Nooooo!

Me: I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you this.

Them: (sobbing)

Me: Please take your child, I can’t bear it anymore. Here’s a clothes pin for your nose.

Them: Thanks. Let me find my wife.

I hope everyone gets a chance to serve in nursery. Only there can you experience the natural innocence of a child right before they beam you in the head with a block. I think I need my mommy.