Mar 2010 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
Every morning I am awakened by my organic alarm clock. Ah, you think I’ve taken ‘organic’ too far eh? Well it’s really my three year old daughter, Bonnie, who technically is organic, so there: I just saved the earth. Every morning she wakes me by saying “I need food! I want eggs, ketchup and my little fork.” This is not code people, she really wants eggs, ketchup and her little fork. In that order.
Feb 2010 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
My wife’s birthday was last month. I know, this is the first I’ve heard of it too. It’s not very fair to me when she tells me the day after and then acts all pouty about it. Of course I’m kidding. I was well aware of her birthday, I wore a string around my finger since January 2009 to remind me.
Nearly lost that finger over it, but it was worth it.
Jan 2010 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
Today I heard a song from my high school days playing on the “oldies” radio station. I am now living in a cliché. Pretty soon I’ll be embarrassing my soon-to-be teenage daughter (wife/editor comment:
He already does, but isn’t aware of it yet…)
Dec 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
Last week I opened the fridge to find Thanksgiving leftovers rotting away and I got all excited: Christmas is almost here! I’m not saying that it’s the best alerting reminder for Christmas but maybe the first door on the Advent Calendar should have rotting Thanksgiving food. Just consider it.
Nov 2009 Issue
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I belong to a popular web site, I can’t say the name here but they put your face on a book that’s online. It’s a place where you can see if your old high school friends look worse than you.
Oct 2009 Issue
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by Dave Ellis
A friend of mine, we’ll call him “Doug” (because that’s his name), recently told me that his bishopric had to address an issue in their Sacrament meeting. The issue was people bringing food to the meeting. I first thought it might be people not bringing enough food because I have a scarcity mentality; but really the problem is people bringing too much. When I first heard of this complaint my immediate reaction was guilt (thanks Mom). I wondered if my wife and I had crossed the line on Sacrament picnics. Since I am ever so helpful I decided to make a useful list to help you know when you are overstepping your bounds with food at church. I call it DAVE’S ULTIMATE GUIDE TO KNOWING WHEN YOU ARE OVERSTEPPING YOUR BOUNDS WITH FOOD AT CHURCH!
Sep 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
To do anything in this world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and shrinking of the cold and danger, but jump in, and scramble through as well as we can. – Sydney Smith
Aug 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
One of my duties as World’s Greatest Husband (title legal in 37 states) is to bathe the kids. I don’t know who I ticked off to earn this duty (probably my wife) but it is not easy. Bathing kids is on the same level as bathing cats. Both involve hissing, hairballs and scratching.
Jul 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
The first home my wife and I bought was built around the time I was born, so like me, it was in pretty bad shape. Bad plumbing, bug infestation and general dampness…and the house had these problems too! I felt a kinship. My wife likes fixer-uppers (Hello! Me again!) and she dug right in. I would come home from work and find various pieces of the house out for the trash. One day it was an old bar with Naugahyde padding, another time it was the ugly wallpaper and linoleum. But the next project was the worst, the popcorn texture ceiling.
Jun 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
Have you ever donated blood? I have. Lots of it. Most of it intentional. I figure it’s one of the only ways to give community service while relaxing in a chair.
May 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
I smell…(pause)…with my nose. I hope you didn’t think that I smell, even though I do, with my nose. Glad I cleared that up. I realize that last month I spoke about sneezing, so for the record, I won’t make this a monthly nose article. But please indulge me this month.
Apr 2009 Issue
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By David Ellis
Every four years my allergies reappear, just like the Olympics. They used to be twice a year, just like Conference. But now I’ve built up immunity to whatever foreign objects roam this valley (tourists?). For some reason the fourth year still beats me.
Mar 2009 Issue
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By Dave Ellis
I have an old truck. I could go on about how it’s just like me, but you would be expecting that. So instead I’m going to use a chart to show the differences, just to throw you off.
Feb 2009 Issue
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by Dave Ellis
Last week my five year old daughter beat me at boxing. No, we didn’t box in real life (hopefully I would have the weight advantage there). We boxed on our video game system, the Wii. Unless you’ve been sequestered for the past three years by now everyone should know what a Wii is.
Jan 2009 Issue
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by Dave Ellis
My wife must love laundry: she’s always doing it. Based upon my lifestyle, I only do things I enjoy, so ergo-ipso-facto-spaghettiOs she must really enjoy the laundry. I helped her one day and, lucky for you, made some mental notes on how humorous the idea of laundry is, ‘cause that’s my job.
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