By Dave Ellis
There are many types of people in the world. Distinctions are set by class, money, education, sports affiliation, etc. I would like to point out another class separation; I call it the have-boats and the have-not-boats. I belong to the latter, and this is my story. (Beep! Next slide please.)

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By Dave Ellis
I enjoy a good Sunday afternoon nap, although I don’t think I’ve ever had one. My problem is my offspring; they won’t leave me alone. My kids have a biological need to keep me from sleeping. I’m not sure why they would have this innate trait as it only puts them in danger. I don’t mean physical harm, but more of the verbal ramblings of a freshly woken dad.

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By Dave Ellis
After years of practicing my craft, I’ve decided to become a magician. The only problem is
that my act only works in my house. It’s a great disappearing act involving a shoe (yes singular) and my TV remote. Here’s how the trick works: The audience is seated in the family room. Your shoes are then placed neatly by the front door. Your attention is diverted by a crashing sound in the kitchen (happens all the time). You turn back and voilà! One shoe is missing! It’s a great trick, but the only drawback is I don’t know how to make your shoe reappear. It’s kind of a permanent thing.

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By Dave Ellis
This month’s article is on car maintenance. I know many of the women out there might not be interested in this subject so they can skip ahead to the next paragraph.
Oil changes are very important to the life of… are the women folk gone? Good. I lied about the car maintenance. A month ago I witnessed an event that sent me reeling through the years. It was a middle school chaperoned dance. Since I am almost out of paragraph, here’s a pointer to you boys seeking out a potential mate – if she asks if you like dancing always say ‘yes’ as you can cover it up later. Hold on one second,
I’ve gotta make this look legit…and that’s why you never ever reuse motor oil.

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By Dave Ellis
When I tell people at work that we play basketball at church they say “What? You can actually play basketball without passing out?” I thank them for their candor and point out that even stranger than that is having a basketball court in a church building. But we don’t even really call it a basketball court – we call it the ‘cultural hall.’ Let me revert back to my youth-talk-giving-self and provide a Webster’s definition of ‘culture.’ Culture: the act of developing the intellectual and moral faculties especially by education. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen the “educating of the moral faculties” during a basketball game. Although I have seen a few people get schooled.

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