by Dave Ellis
Let me start off by saying that I really love Christmas music. The only problem is that I hate it too. Not the forty good songs, but the good songs that have been re-arranged and re-recorded over and over again. Really, what else can be done with the same song?

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by Dave Ellis

I love the crisp days of autumn, especially in southern Nevada. Once that temperature hits below one hundred I know we can finally move freely in the backyard without fear of spontaneous combustion. We also break out the fire pit which was useless to us all summer but the pigeons find it to be a great public restroom. After a lengthy hose down we load it up with firewood and have a fire, to bring the temperature back up.

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By Dave Ellis

There are certain cultural traits that we as members of the Church share. I would like to talk about one
of my favorites, no, not farm animal wood crafts in the kitchen, but crock pot cooking. I like to call it ‘crock pot’ because slow cooking seems to reflect poorly on the chef. “He’s a slow cooker” they say, slowly shaking their heads. I like to think that crock pot cooking isn’t so much about the slow but more about having patience; and since patience is a virtue it’s like two birds with one stone, which is delicious – so full circle once again!

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by Dave Ellis

We recently traveled to Park City, Utah (yes, that Park City) for a family vacation. We had never been there and it was quite an experience. The main thing is that it was 68 degrees the entire time: it was beautiful. Honestly, I could have stayed in the Pahrump municipal dump if it was 68 degrees and I would still tell you it was beautiful. Our vacation was not about the surroundings as much as the temperature.

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by Dave Ellis

My wife wants a goat. It took a lot of courage for me to say that. She would like to have a living, breathing, garbage-disposal-of-an-animal walking around our backyard. She thinks that we would be able to milk it and use the milk for cheese and, well, milk. I told her if she waits long enough, historically speaking, I will turn into an old goat. I’ve even shown her pictures of my grandfather for proof. She still wants a four-legged one.

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by Dave Ellis

The 4th of July is special in my family. Not only is it my brother Jason’s birthday but it is also my daughter Hattie’s birthday. We spend that day being thankful to live in a country where we can show our patriotism by setting off fireworks and waving flags that were both made in another country. But the most funnest (it will be a word if we all start using it) part of the day is lighting off fireworks!
Who here loves fireworks? Raise your charred limbs high!

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by Dave Ellis

My wife recently went to a conference out of town which left me alone with the five kids, for five whole days. That’s like a kid a day, if my math is right. But I wasn’t scared, this isn’t the first time an Ellis man has been left in charge.

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By Dave Ellis

If you know me (and if you don’t, you can for three easy payments), you know that I don’t have any hair on my head. This is by choice: I started shaving my head during the great follicle relocation era. That was when the hair on my head suddenly disappeared, then after much searching, was found on my back. So I did what any sensible guy would do. If I am balding then I might as well be bald.

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By Dave Ellis

It’s really no secret that I love to go to the grocery store, which really makes me different from most guys. In fact I prefer to shop, especially for the groceries and especially alone. Not that I don’t love my family, it’s just my kids ask for every item that they see. I know that this normal behavior has been going on for generations. It’s just that it’s different nowadays because it is annoying ME. People back in the day had more patience because they didn’t have microwaves.

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By Dave Ellis

How many times have you said, “Why can’t I find a reliable monkey hair replacement system?” Now I’m not talking about replacing hair on a monkey, because that’s just crazy. I’m talking about wearing a little monkey on your head to cover a bald spot. I actually saw a guy doing this one day. I’m not sure he was trying to cover his bald spot but it sure did distract the eye. His pants could have been on fire and I wouldn’t have noticed because I was watching a monkey crawl around his head.

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By Dave Ellis

Have you ever purchased a very expensive tool and decided because it cost so much you should wear it around like a fashion accessory? Me neither. Yet thousands of people do this on a daily basis with their Bluetooth headsets. For those of you that don’t look at people’s ears, a Bluetooth headset is that Star Trek/Wars looking device that people wear when they are making a phone call. This month’s article is mostly a rant about those who wear them. I love rants, they make my keyboard all warm and clacky.

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by Dave Ellis

Years ago I wrote a Davey Award-winning article regarding the huge amount of food storage wheat my parents hauled around as we moved from state to state. What is a Davey Award? Oh, I made that up to reward myself for doing an article each month. It’s like a Peabody Award but made of ice cream.

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by Dave Ellis

You wouldn’t know by looking at me that I like desserts (OK, you would).

Throw in the magical Christmas time and all hopes of losing weight go out the window. Or maybe sliding glass door; it’s bigger.

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By Dave Ellis

Most people have strong olfactory connections with the past. In non-scientific terms, smells make us remember. I know I think of mom’s cooking whenever I smell onions sautéing, or camping when I smell burning wood. I think of hotdogs when I smell bologna, because technically they are made out of the same materials. One is just flattened. Kind of like the difference between a hairball and a toupee.

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By Dave Ellis

I recently took a business trip via airplane. I can say ‘via’ because it sounds so continental, much like the breakfast I ate at the hotel. More on that later. I used to love to fly, pre 9/11 and post smoking allowed in cabins. That was a wonderful slice of time to fly, smoke free with fingernail clippers. Now I am totally paranoid that something bad is going to happen, and not in the ‘they are out of honey-roasted peanuts’ kind of way.

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