By Dave Ellis

How many times have you said, “Why can’t I find a reliable monkey hair replacement system?” Now I’m not talking about replacing hair on a monkey, because that’s just crazy. I’m talking about wearing a little monkey on your head to cover a bald spot. I actually saw a guy doing this one day. I’m not sure he was trying to cover his bald spot but it sure did distract the eye. His pants could have been on fire and I wouldn’t have noticed because I was watching a monkey crawl around his head.

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By Dave Ellis

Have you ever purchased a very expensive tool and decided because it cost so much you should wear it around like a fashion accessory? Me neither. Yet thousands of people do this on a daily basis with their Bluetooth headsets. For those of you that don’t look at people’s ears, a Bluetooth headset is that Star Trek/Wars looking device that people wear when they are making a phone call. This month’s article is mostly a rant about those who wear them. I love rants, they make my keyboard all warm and clacky.

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by Dave Ellis

Years ago I wrote a Davey Award-winning article regarding the huge amount of food storage wheat my parents hauled around as we moved from state to state. What is a Davey Award? Oh, I made that up to reward myself for doing an article each month. It’s like a Peabody Award but made of ice cream.

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by Dave Ellis

You wouldn’t know by looking at me that I like desserts (OK, you would).

Throw in the magical Christmas time and all hopes of losing weight go out the window. Or maybe sliding glass door; it’s bigger.

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By Dave Ellis

Most people have strong olfactory connections with the past. In non-scientific terms, smells make us remember. I know I think of mom’s cooking whenever I smell onions sautéing, or camping when I smell burning wood. I think of hotdogs when I smell bologna, because technically they are made out of the same materials. One is just flattened. Kind of like the difference between a hairball and a toupee.

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By Dave Ellis

I recently took a business trip via airplane. I can say ‘via’ because it sounds so continental, much like the breakfast I ate at the hotel. More on that later. I used to love to fly, pre 9/11 and post smoking allowed in cabins. That was a wonderful slice of time to fly, smoke free with fingernail clippers. Now I am totally paranoid that something bad is going to happen, and not in the ‘they are out of honey-roasted peanuts’ kind of way.

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by Dave Ellis

My wife doesn’t watch much television. So when she finds a show she likes, I run with it to get some quality couch sitting time with her. Yes I’m that lazy, I will watch a show that doesn’t interest me as long as I can sit down while doing it. Oh, and be with my wife.

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by Dave Ellis

Up in the red mountains there is a magical place where the groundhogs run free like the wind. I know that’s a strange statement to make. It sounds like the start of a novel, perhaps titled “Groundhogland II, Rise of the Tunnelers.”

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by Dave Ellis

I looked up from my lunch at a café the other day to watch a guy outside the window struggling to stuff a twenty pound iguana into a duffel bag. My first thought was “how is it we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make a duffel bag that fits a twenty pound iguana?” My second thought was “why do weird things happen around me?”

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By Dave Ellis

May I vent for a moment? David Ellis is unfortunately a common name. There are about ten of us in the Vegas Valley, each more handsome than the next. It’s true, if we ever have a David Ellis convention, and we are all lined up right, you could totally see it. In reality it looks more like an evolution chart, with me somewhere in the middle.

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By Dave Ellis

I have five kids; four girls and one poor nitpicked boy, but he deserves it. When we bought our current house we only had three little kids, two girls and the boy. It seemed like we had too much space; cabinets were empty, we put both cars in the garage and we had a bedroom for each child. Then another girl was born, then another. I just calculated the bathroom to girl ratio as being 1/4 and realized I need to change it.

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By Dave Ellis

I love to swim. It’s one of the few places on earth, short of a cargo plane doing a nose dive at thirty thousand feet, where I’m practically weightless. I love that feeling. The pool, that is.

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by Dave Ellis

My wife told me I have odd toes. This was about month after we were married, so there was no recourse. It was quite a shock to me as I never thought a thing about my toes; they were useless little fingers on my ground hands.

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by Dave Ellis

Now that it’s Bridal Issue time again I would like to give out my advice to the men for creating the perfect wedding – just do whatever she says so you won’t be skating on thin ice. Speaking of skating on ice, I took my family ice skating last month and I’d like to tell you about it. Sorry about the lame segue, but I’m kind of tired of having to come up with good transitions between topics. I sure love nachos!

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by Dave Ellis

It’s January, I guess it’s time for my yearly ritual. I step outside, see my shadow and go back in to watch TV for six more weeks. OK, so I’m not as famous as Punxsutawney Phil, but I do share his body shape and hairy back. We also walk the same, except I’m a little more upright.

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